what is the difference really between being high and being holy?

Once

when I was a kid

I got stuck in the undertow

a wave that reached the heavens

was barreling toward me

as if to deliver me to those gates

but instead

it dragged me under

and I was tumbling like a weed

on a desert road

paved to hell

‏‏‎ ‎

water was my home

it held my soul in its deep

but for the first time in my ancient five

I was scared the great blue

would lull me into a permanent sleep

‏‏‎ ‎

knees banging

hands scraping

lungs bursting

‏‏‎ ‎

my only thought was

What else

was staring back

from that deep?

it wasn’t crystal clear

it wasn’t just warmth and freedom

and sparkling life anymore

it was much much more

‏‏‎ ‎

Once

when I was 21

I woke up

after a two week bender

wine bottles all around

and a foot of water on my floor

I fell asleep in the shower

I was lucky to have woken at all

‏‏‎ ‎

I had traded

the deep blue sea

for the deep of a bottle

it seems

ever since I caught that first taste

of eyes in the dark

I was chasing a depravity

I surely would never reach

and maybe since I was 5

I had learned that only the greatest highs

are worth the ride

that maybe reaching for heaven actually

brings you to hell,

so why not dance your way

through the ashes yourself?

‏‏‎ ‎

because

what really

is the difference

between being high

and being holy?

‏‏‎ ‎

yes

I was stuck in an undertow

drinking and fucking

living and dying

tumbling along hectically

cycling constantly

over and over

and over

for every high there was a low

and so on it goes

‏‏‎ ‎

but oh,

when I finally catch that wave

the ride is so so sweet