What I Want

What I want is to be happy.  I think that is what everyone wants to be perfectly honest.  What it is that makes each person happy is as personal and unique to that person as a fingerprint.  No-one should ever be judged for what makes them happy just because someone else doesn't understand or agree with their point of view, so long as they are not hurting anyone else.

I want passion, so wild and free.  Passion that screams that you want me.  To be loved is great.  It's an amazing feeling to know that someone loves you and to hear them say it.  Like my mom tells me all the time before she hangs up the phone or we part ways that she loves me and I say I love her too.  But how many times has someone told you they loved you and then their actions said otherwise?  For me too many to count.  I no longer long for someone to tell me they love me.  I want someone to show me they want me.  I want them to want me around.  To want to hear about my day and spend time with me.  I want them to be turned on by my scent.  I want their hands in my hair and when they kiss me I want them to pull away and say "you're killing me" because they want me so bad.  To me that is greater than love.  To be wanted, to be needed, to be craved.

I want fire, that burns red hot.  Fire that engulfs all the pain and rot.  To say this does not go along with passion would be lying, because it does.  however it is different.  A lot of people can want you, but lack the maturity and strength to handle you for the long haul.  I don't want a temporary lover that is going to leave me with a bigger whole in my chest than when we started.  No.  I want a lover that is going to want me to the point of burning away all of the past hurts from the fuckboys and liars in my past.  The ones that said they loved me but where not man enough to understand what that word meant and therefore stole its meaning from me.   Took it and twisted it to the point of perversion and hatred.

I want trust that doesn't hurt.  Trust that says I won't get burnt.  Oh trust how hard that is now.  It burns like being tossed into the pits of hell when trust is broken.  Betrayal never comes from the ones you are expecting it from.  No.  Because you do not let them past your walls.  You do not open up to them and allow yourself to be vulnerable.  That soft spot that you have tried to make as small as possible is reserved for the select few that you have decided to trust.  The kind of fear that I feel when I tell someone that I trust them and give them the key to the door guarding that tiny spot in my soul.  The one spot that has not turned black from all the pain and anguish of past betrayals.  I'm saying here is the little part of me that is still human, please don't hurt me.  And yet, they always do.

I want freedom to be myself.  Freedom that allows me to be off the shelf.  What did I mean by this you ask?  That would be easier if I knew who I was.  Because I don't always know for sure.  I am a life long learner.  I like to ask questions.  I have an attitude.  I like to dress up and be a diva some days.  Some days I stay in yoga pants all day and throw my hair in a ponytail.  Some days I will want to go on an adventure and take off through the great unknown.  Then others I won't even want to get out of bed.  I can be complicated or I can be simple.  I want the freedom to be all things.  The freedom to do what feels right in that moment.  I want the person I am with to understand that I get sad sometimes and there may not even be a reason and that's okay.  I don't need them to fix me.  I just need them to hold me and tell me that I'm still okay.  I need to know that no matter what they are not going to abandon me.  That it is okay to express myself, even if they think it's weird.

I told someone I wanted a relationship but I don't think that is the right word anymore.  I want a partnership.  I want a partner in crime.  Someone that is going to be there to listen to my bad jokes and tell worse ones.  Someone that when we don't have anything to talk about we make up stories about things we want and may never have but pretending is okay because at least we are talking to each other.  Someone that holds me tight at night.  That makes me forget my name with a touch.  Someone that doesn't get mad that I ask how or why they do things the way they do because they understand I just want to learn, and that I'm not being bossy or condescending.  Someone that if either are having a bad day or are in our heads we can sit in silence and be comfortable.  But know the other is coming back to "us" without a doubt.   I want that security that a relationship grants but the freedom of having a best friend.  I want the best of both worlds.  Am I asking for too much