What gives me peace?

Each day we skillfully navigate through difficult moments and decisions in our lives. Whether our jobs are pushing us to the limit, or our families require more of our attention. There’s always a tug or war between showing up for ourselves and for others. This is why we want to hear about how you disconnect from the world. I will tell you how I leave the world and live in fantasy lane. How you give yourself a well-deserved mindful making break. In this passage I will be telling you all about what activities I love. The activities that give me inner peace. Like mediating in the sun to make room for inner peace and so forth. Learning and discovering hidden talents and passions. Just following my passions for art. All the things that keep me grounded and ease the stress of my routine. Just a few things that keep me inspired and what inspires my wild creativity.

In my days, of living in NYC it’s a tough place to be. Especially when you are pretty you must always be protective and aware. Strong and mean; but respectful. Especially in the worse areas of NYC. It’s not just me I have seen a lot of girls like me in third world countries who have similar stories to mines, or foreigners who are in NYC, struggling. But they manage to stay quiet, behave and work really hard to get high grades, or do something amazing. This gave me comfort in being poor and as long as I was happy, patience was all I needed to survive. I been raped, robbed, jumped, poor, sick and all sorts of madness. My mom had cancer; we were living like we were homeless ion our own home at some point. Boyfriend shot and etc. So my art means a lot to me. I was quiet since I was pretty nothing bothered me. But in the Bronx if your pretty and by yourself, you must be smart and strong. For there’s a lot of hungry people that need money. Or just a lot of miserable women that will envy you. Growing up I faced a lot of bullying, abuse, hard-ships, and struggles. But in these times, I had prayers for healing, music was always in my ears, sex became an addiction of mines due to too much stress and bullying that was a main outlet for me. Also, I had writing I loved to write. It helped me get things off my mind. Writing. I loved to just write it first started off writing non-sense. But then I started being myself into my words and then I became powerful in my craft. I am a song writer for trap music, for two major artists in the industry. I basically write all my dreams down, my life and my personality and gather all the words I love. I try my best to be different in my writings. I want my pieces to be all original and never heard of. I get bored of hearing the same thing over and over again so, I play around with the words, using imagination. I used all my knowledge on what I knew about music. I really listened to my favorite artists and their advice and opinions, that took me so far in my speech. I knew what I wanted and how to sound. I ended up writing a whole entire album and some freestyles. Trying to bring back the old Nicki Minaj back just upgraded the sounding. That really helped me get out a lot of suicidal emotions out. I had a lot of women who took me down and I will not stop until I am over them and something big. Writing helps me cope with suicide and rapes and low self-esteem. Since nobody would listen to me, I thought I would play the bad guy and write everything out. Ive wrote down everything they did to me and pretended I was the one doing it and I am not the victim anymore. That ended up being taken away from me though. But I keep writing it is what makes me feel better and gives me purpose these days. It helps me feel like im doing something with my life and getting somewhere. Since I am bisexual and they told me I was my lover like a mirror, I decided to become him in my work. It turned out pretty good to me. Since my music notes got stolen, I then let it go and went straight into poetry. I began collecting words I wanted like the nastiest. Dirtiest words. I also collected words from other novels from the back on the book the description on how they labeled their books. I came up with that idea since I had no sense of education, and it was a brilliance. I write based on experience, so I look at every detail of my life, to see how I can turn it into a work of art. So, I thought to myself what I should write about. I began looking at my lover and writing about him. He basically is my entire life and the reason for everything that is happening so. He was inspiration both for my music and poetry. Also, with me being a sex addict I spiced things up with a little playful word. My writings are all just about how I saw the persons and how I felt. A good writer has to feel and have creativity in order to make good work. I wanted my poetry to set the tone of my mood, soul and what’s not darker than rewriting the satanic prayer, scriptures so. I also had a inspiration from some indie artists like lana del Rey and Mazzy star. I just studied their music and took notes. I also get inspiration from some very good authors like butterflies rising. She wrote a book that’s on amazon for wild spirit, soft heart. I have loved her work ever since I have found her and envied it. I have also studied her work and tried to rearrange her work into my own format. But a lot of my inspiration goes to my lover who I watch all the time. I consider myself to be an erotic, fanatsy writer is the genre. I was sort of looking for this dark, pouty, fetish poetry just to paint my soul with words. Here are just some my favorite pieces I wrote all by myself and explanation and how I came up with the piece just a background:

1. He was black coffee

no sugar

and burning cigarettes

his voice kindles then smolders

through and through

the fire is exhilarating

tempting

fetish

she’s wandering through life

madly

craving

your taste.

- Mary of silence

This piece came from my mother’s morning coffee and how it felt like protection. Masculine. And home like my lover and I study him, just adding a little flavor to how I feel and think of him. Oh, how I am just living my life without you, burning the moons for you. I just want to know what the women are all talking about. How does it feel like to be loved by you.

2. The crying moon-

The moon is sad today

and its reflection is not too bright

it hides behind clouds

and weeps every second or so

to remind her she is loved.

- Mary of silence

Just a poem I wrote because I love the beach so much. The waves are so beautiful and peaceful to me. Healing. love. life. Spiritual. Soul. Heart.

4. My hair is dripping wet

towel damped

mouth minty

the same routine as yesterday

but today I said to the voices

maybe I’d try something new

I thought differently about

how many words I write about him

and why I never take the time

to be in love with myself in the same way

what love might feel like

to brush my long hair out

as it were hair of a beloved daughter

to rinse the conditioner out

as if I were caring for a sick parent

to audibly whisper to myself

its okay. It’s okay.

- The shower

I wrote this with inspiration from the kids toy brand barbie. I was watching their videos on YouTube and reading all their Instagram descriptions. I came up with that idea from Nicki Minaj. Then I was taking notes within mind not to sound like anybody else and how can I recreate lana del ray’s work. I looked at my mother and my old neighbors from my old block from inspiration. From when she was combing her long hair out under a tree and wrapping it up one summer. I wanted to capture my hurt in a baby like way. My theme is pouty petulant.

5. How sweet

to feel butterflies rising

soft with passion like flowers

and wild like fire

it's like filling me

with so much honey

in your stomach

it feels like when I see

danger coming

but my heart knows

it's just all the sweets

too much sweets

when I wait for him

to open his door.

- Mary of silence

I wrote this poem from all those walks in the summer to my lover and waiting outside his door. Wild in butterflies.

6. This poem was inspired by satanic prayer and a quote from writer butterflies rising “we kissed like there was addiction and wild poetry on our lips.” Can find her on Instagram @butterfliesrising.

Sweet nectar that I am addicted to

succulent honey

in the juiciest, stickiest, dirtiest bite

out of a honeycomb of intoxication

and not just the echo of his hello

do you know what it is like to be a wild animal?

raging for the kill

craving to devour it’s blood

insatiable thirst for flesh

he is my hunter I think

meant to obtain me

taste me

become me

you have to understand there is no way out for me

and even if there was I’d avoid it, ignore it, run from it hello I cried out tell me what trouble you got into today….. he growls.

- Mary of silence

7. He smelled like a used bookstore to me

like the smell of pages

that has been passed through generations and generations

holding so much life

and matters of completion

and picking that book off that shelf

and opening its rough pages

to get a small glimpse of a world

yet to be discovered

beckoning to be discovered

that I would claim as mines

I put a bilge to it

I knew how to take control of my mind

shape it

tame it

become it

and choose it too

because it was mines

in my hands

and I was its choice too.

- 1st date

This poem came from the first time I met this boy. I waited for something so long just for him to say go home so he can go to the library. I used his words as the theme for this poem. Then I used my sick, dark, twisted fantasy and other poets I found on Instagram. I also remember they were making fun of me saying I was mary j bilge because I didn’t know how to dance. When really, I was just dying, I do my research. I pray. I thought if maybe I can use how, I wrote my trap music I can use those same advice and methods for my poetry. A lot of my poetry comes from third eye dreams. I have the crystal ball and thankful because it makes my art better. Also, I had many people trying to break me and my lover up. I wanted to write a piece on how nobody can make me leave and change my mind about him. I also used kind of like vows. He was someone I wanted to marry and was excited and fought to get my job. So, I can fix up and have him and have this baby.

8. I was just eighteen chilling minutes away from his face

his concentration and every tingling skin cell of mines

and his voice

deep.

dark.

vibrating back at me

like a hurricane of untouchable desire

my body is shaking now

just an anticipation of him

dialing again

I recognized how possessed

wild

surreal

his attention gives me

I need to get a hold of myself …right?

- The missed call

This poem came from my mom’s old poem I was reading, and I took one line with the barbie play and reinvented it. Like I said im a sex addict, so my work is all sexual and dark.

9. I had no intensions of leaving him

and at no point could I have ever would

his wrath was upon me like a priest with stones

like an unending worship to Christ

he was everything I ever looked for

mystic.

dark.

dominate.

and steaming with intellect.

the way we walked through the city hand and hand and he grabbed me to dance at the top of the Spanish steps

the way he took me down the dark alley way

with nothing but the sound of the ac unit

and heavy breathing forced upon each other

the way we said cheers every sip we took.

- Mary of silence

This here I used from the virgin mary and being the in between. This one was inspired by lana del Rey off to the races and dreams that I had. I dreamed my lover was on a cross losing it. I dreamed he was holding hands with another women but didn’t really want to it was like forcing him. So, I used my imagination again and my mind works wonders. I fantasized about my old neighborhood house and what use to go on in the parties. Then my imagination went wild, and it was like this is it. perfect.

10. Our love lost

like cigarette smoke

in the bitter taste of loneliness

morning coffee.

- Mary of silence

just inspired by my mother, I look at other people and just write.

11. He told me to tilt my head back

as he shimmied the white helmet down

past my eyes, my ears, my eyebrows, my lips

I felt sturdy. Heavy. Edgy

and I like edgy

to hop on it I had put one foot on the left peg and sort of hurtle myself over on the seat

using a perfectly shaped godly space

between his neck and right shoulder

to embrace myself

I was on and we were off

my hands were submerged around his stomach in a knot

holding onto the most masculine skin

I have ever touched.

- Mary of silence

This poem came from lana del ray’s carmen music video and her boyfriend.

Also came from how I grew up I never met a real man until I met my lover. I am more than grateful for stumbling across his eyes and him wanting me. Talking to me. Loving me. I never had a father and the men around outside weren’t as much of a man that he was. He’s something from the sands of Egypt. 12. Heroin and honey

he was a description of a daydream

like a warm liquor

flowing through my body.

- Mary of silence

This poem got inspired about the color of his skin and how he made me feel, when I first met him.

13. She’s blooming wildfires

she is like watching the world collapse

just falling and burning

running wild and insane

with a vulnerable mess of madness

everywhere.

- Mary of silence

This was just inspired by Instagram names of other poets and then I just add in the details. I find that method very help in getting started with my vision. I just search on Instagram and look to see what Instagram names from writers can inspire me today.

14. He had me in a sleepy feel

an opiate drawl

he had me kissing the stars

so wispy and airy

like you’re not really there.

- Mary of silence

This poem was inspired by my lovers hugs and kissed on my forehead, sending me back home. when I never wanted to leave. I was in a dream, and I woke up seven years later.

15. The rose’s and sunflowers bloom

as illusions and dreams develop then suddenly

heartbroken petals fall

only the stem

and thorns are left

the love is only a sweet scent

the rose’s left behind.

- Mary of silence

This poem is inspired by winter huntsman and betrayal, I am writing as Ravenna. The wicked queen.

16. I leave my window open

with the lights off

so when I lay my aching, yearning body

in bondage

with the darbuka spirits

the voices of Sahara

in the Arabian night

thirsty for your lips

I pray your presence manifest

slithering into my sheets

in the darkness

like venom

fucking the bull by his horns

in silence

like a secret admirer

a secret love

like fire slowly trapping me

and my hands tried up in ropes

holding onto our thrusting breaths.

-Mary of silence

I was inspired by my habits and sickness and also names of songs on YouTube. The more I know the more better my writings get. I make sure it’s all original I never copy ever single thing as to be original for me.

17. She’s like the dramatic sunrise at sea

my tears overflow with emptiness

the sea hauls me in

until feelings of security

settles over my mind peacefully

I dream of a mystery world

where no human is permitted

sea creatures whisper wisdom in my ears

seashell sing love tales

the current dances against me

I realize I will learn to love again

sunshine slowly creeps over me

and warms my heart

dries my heavy tears

I fly out of waters

I already know

I’ve divided the deep blue

the wet sands

between my toes

below to walk through

the morning has come

to restore my soul

like one of god’s miracles

the sea cleanses my heart

from undiscovered things

from the lower parts

of the ocean where the floor is too dark.

- Mary of silence

18. Everything looks to me with importance

the music does not make me dance

the sun in the summer

did not give me heat

the flowers had no scent

my journey had no beginning

my eyes did not shine

with happiness

my heart is less and less and less

even though laughter is to be heard

from angels playing ahead on the beach

my heart cries

golden tear drops

I pray to god to find me love

and give me back to where

I have found it

then god came along

and taught me how to love

I found meaning to life

the flowers refreshed my spirit

my eyes shinned with a smile tears dripping colors of happiness

like dripping honeycombs

the laughter came from my mouth this time

and I meant it in my soul

and it healed my dying heart

I pray to god to find me love

and Mary’s heart found me.

-Mary of silence

19. The rain is on and off today

I went into the shower about four times

so I can forget

that I’m depressed

lonely

that I can’t be with anybody

and I don’t want to be with anybody right now

still wasting my time

waiting on life

praying

I just stand in the shower

with a cigarette burning like incense

I just stand on the shower

and let all the water baptize me

standing there until I feel better

looking into another dimension

I feel myself split

silent about all the emotions

I’m cold when I get out.

- Mary of silence

20.She’s like honeycomb

they cut into something so sweet

and its dark

but still all that honey.

- Mary of silence

21. I hear the sounds of his motorcycle passing by

throaty growls and roars

twisting and stroking his handlebars all I can think about is all the attention he’s getting

conceited.

focused.

all strength.

no sweat.

his secret.

who brought him his new ride

was it from the money of his women begged him you to stay with her from?

how many girls has rode on it with him

how jealous I would be watching another girl

on the back of his bike

like she had his back

I can’t ride

and I just think about all those street racers trying to beat him

and in the end I lost.

- Mary of silence

22. Honey

peanut butter

and poetry

writing sticky notes

with a mess

on my bed

that have all my thoughts

scattered

stacking up

like a pile of books

restless

aching

and wild.

- Mary of silence

23. He speaks to me

and I smell his neck

like a savage

and kiss it two times

and dances over an open fire

at night the wolves

come to visit me and the moon is blood

when I dance against him.

- Mary of silence

26. She’s empty wilderness

empty shadows

empty heart

waiting for a man

to spiritually connect and tangle

strong enough to enslave her

and live in her

to be all her voice.

- Mary of silence

27. Her love was like the waves

confident and loved to flirt

like dancing flamingos with no patience.

- Mary of silence

28. I am air and soil

the salt and the waves

the wind static like softness

pressing on your skin

a thousand volcanos

but not of this day

nowhere near this time.

- Mary of silence

29. soft curls

pouty lips

and slow blues

collapsing in my veins.

- Mary of silence

30. In her head theirs all of these beautiful butterflies unfolding their wings and rising above all the heavy sunburned things she has been through.

-mary of silence

31. Oh, how I miss going into his used bookstore

just to feel his depressed body all hard

how tough he is his hand rubbing my red plumped lips

tearing out my dirty edges

I knew I was in a lot of danger

he wasn’t letting me go anywhere

disgustingly whispering in my ear

and pulling my curly hair back

biting on my neck for me to go down

and to take my time

to read and lick my finger

to each burning page

teasing until it feels like torture

setting him on fire

trying to stay quiet

like in the silence of a library

sucking his fingers

and that feeling as a voyeur reader

feasts through the books

as the pages aggressively turns faster

and faster

that intensifies our orgasm

we was always angry when we did it

how I desired it to be

do you know what it is like

to die in the fire?

- mary of silence

My name was also inspired by Mazzy star, her song captured my soul when I talk to god. It has deep symbolism for my soul and look of my art. I was going to use my middle name rose, but the song and the lyrics spoke to me. Especially the sound, the beat, I had to use it. The virgin mary is a big part of my life and who I am as a person.

I hope you enjoyed the mini read of poetry I laid out from my books peanut butter and poetry and pouty petulant. I am also writing about religion in two other books I’ve been lacking to write secrets. Vain. Vanity and flowers. Fire. honey. I want to share my experience and hopefully be a guide to other young girls or anybody who need freedom and love. peace. I had my own little experience of being bullied and women using witchcraft. Thought I can help others be saved too. I didn’t like writing at first but the more I put effort and time to think and play around with it. Take it seriously and believe that I already made it, I succeeded. Confidence is the secret, I don’t need nobody to believe in me, because I believe in me. My music was just me opening doors to change the game as well. I let a young girl act out as me for a show to a tribute to my old self. I am proud of my work and cannot wait til I am rewarded with credit for my handwritten voice.

Music I just use to block out the noise around me from the women or my setting of place. I find it relaxing to hear music I can relate too and just relax and listen. I love to dance too, that helps me active and in shape. Dancing is a way I feel free. Now sex, I use masturbation due to how I was living from being lonely and all the stress was taking a toll on me so… it helped me feel better like drugs. Then it became obsessions and addiction. To the point where masturbation gives me depression, deep suicidal behaviors. I used praying also to escape to help me cleanse from all the sorrows and pains. I didn’t want to be like my parents, and I prayed. It kept me strong, and I was chosen and blessed. But everything came crashing when I stopped praying. Prayers help me keep my soul, so I am able to be happy. It is motivation and strength, power for me. It is hope. Freedom. I didn’t have parents my parents are in heaven. They make me smart. Knowledge. gift of vision. Not a sheep but daughter. I am blessed they are always with me but drugs and fear, made me lose it all. But I will never stop praying to god no matter what has happened. He is the only one that loves me and the virgin mary. I love them so much too.

As you can see, I use writing, music, sex, and prayers my entire life, to ease my stress and pain. It also has kept me alive and positive. It is what I grew love for, and it helped me in so many ways. It in enough. This is what I used during bullying, abuse, and heartbreak. To heal and keep myself safe with my art. These methods helped me battle a lot and keep me on track. It made me happy in my life. fact did save my life and will give me everything I want if work hard. My writings is healing, gaining confidence, giving me back my soul, everything I write if hos my soul is. I write all my own work all original i am not like other girls who didnt write any of their things just acting. Money is just for me to survive and be able to have a life and not jump off a building to suicide. Poetry is the rest of my life now. I will evolve in my work as I gain more support. I wasnt really looking for fame like that but now they are dragging me to that direction. I honestly just wanted to shit on all the women who robbed me and got me rapped and bullied and locked me up, my work is my best revenge I would not let anyone take that from me. I will die for my work, I can't understand why women cant be themselves and write their own work. I bee through alot of police brutality and lot of bullying, extreme bullying like if I was in rikers island. I know how hard it is in their because I am just like them even though I am on the outside. I let two artists take my work I will not let anybody else try to take me down I honestly am dying to live for 14 years thats my whole life. I been looking for money so I may continue my work and also find my new life into these libraries in nyc. Hopefully I can gain back myself before butterflies went into the hurricane. You shouls support me with my finnances and poetry because this is the rest of my life and also I can not find a job I have to fix myself up and repair all the damage 69 has done to go strippingim dying and a grown women who belongs to nobody and has nothing to do. They may have broken her spirit and taken everything from her but she is still going to push to try something new and get that girl back.