uninspired

I keep waking up and feeling stuck, behind my eyes of what if I am no longer enough. Not for a person per say, but the actions that define me going about my day. I see myself, I see the list of dreams I have set, yet, I am in my head. Riding the coattails of the biggest theif of enjoyment, yet seeking that same disraction to ignore all of it. I can say I know what I want to do and where I want to be, but you see, I am my biggest enemy. Both locked behind watching a screen, but missing what I need to be learning. Instead, I am avoiding, toying with what I would buy with the money I don't have, being distracted by my time instead of it adding value. The screen, the knowledge, the dedication, the pressure of it being my occupation, should motivate me right? But instead I sit here and I fight with myself, denying, even, lying to myself on what would help. I am destroying my confidence by affirming my actions, of not doing anything at all. No longer extrodinary, not even oridnany, not a doer, but a follower. Someone full of wants with no direction, a complainer lost in disillusion. I am untterly stuck behind the lack of motivation and or determination to be the expectations I thought I could be. I want someone who knows what I am about to believe in me, but in reality, that person needs to be me. But here I am writing and rambling, over the uninspired poem I had to scratch out of my dislocated mind. I dont deserve anyones pity, because this illogic is considered blind. But here I am, uninspired, venting untill maybe I can feel the fire of desire to be better than I was today, but like I said, I am really good at what I say.