To the me I never was

You always loomed so large, stories above me

the perfect me

You lacked details

So i let you borrow from mine

my brown skin

my dark hair

my brown eyes, though yours lacked warmth

Your yellowed nails were better described as talons

And Your voice was harder to pinpoint

Ever shifting, sliding through the hours

hushed at 7am, my immigrant mother’s fear filled hopes

stern at 8am, my immigrant father’s hope filled criticism

Desolate at 6pm, shrinking, me

Haughty at 7pm, impeccable, You

i refused to look behind me,

But You whispered in my ear incessantly,

Breath icy and coaxing goose flesh from me

At first it was before every test, then before school every morning, and then Before everything

i hid in bed till noon, held captive by Your faithfully scornful barrages but You found me later in afternoons anyways

Others could not hear You, but I knew they could see You;

the me I was meant to be

They brought You up in parent-teacher conferences

And emails home

And one on one meetings

With the same phrases about “potential, applying myself, confidence and discipline”

i wanted to tell them,

That those things were yours,

the potential

the promise

the confidence

what i had were your constant hateful whisperings

and an outline of who I should have been

they had me mistaken for you

But it was okay because

I was once mistaken too

mistaken that i could out erase the me who

couldn't be on time, apply herself, remember to bring her homework

or the right binder

or to lock the door on the way out

or wait her turn in conversation

I thought I could out plan her, out work her, out perform her

and eventually become you

the one everyone wanted

the one everyone but me believed I could be if only I…

you get the point

but ill never be you

because you never really existed. Not in this world at least

and while I still forget to bring the right binder from time to time

and get echoes of you when I do

I always have tomorrow to try again

while you are frozen in time, static

and unfeeling

i pity you, a mere figment

a shadow

Destined to be

tethered to light

but never illuminated

by its warmth