Timeline of The Unseen

I have these emotions that are eating at me

scratching to come out

and this ache in my heart that's telling me something's not right

I ask am I wrong for the thoughts I have when no one's around

because they keep pouring out

infecting everything in sight

you shame me and I let you

because little girls shouldn't talk back right?

blurry lies with manipulation for breakfast

and I naively eat it up

so my unconditional love could have never seen this coming

my reality unraveling right before my eyes slipping out of my hands

but you don't seem to notice

if I pretend it's not happening like you do will it go away

you think I don't feel your avoidance

but I feel it more than you do

creeping in my dreams at night

telling me I'll never matter

and I listen

it's the only voice I hear nowadays

weeks go by with you gone

days filled with smiles

while nights filled with cries

and I can't remember where you said you were going this time

but it seems to matter less when we've never really been close anyways

hitting me when I'm wrong

ignoring me when I'm right

questions boiled into arguments

tiptoeing in your subconscious

trying to learn how to get your love

yes' mixed with of course

sweating blood and breaking my back

for you

don't you understand that?

so when I tell you I miss you

and you tell me to not complain

don't you understand where the tears come from?

learning that I don't deserve apologies

recycling the same arguments

because you can't see where you're wrong

but I know something's not right

so I look inward

searching for the wrong in me

and I can't help but find it

head between my knee's wondering is this what you wanted all along

because it feels like it

no, it aches like it

emotional scars so deep it feels like there's holes in me

more lies for lunch

at this point I think I've lost my appetite

or maybe it's from the pills

an attempt that had been building for years

and your laughter still echoes in my head

you would never try to do that you say

but do you really think that?

or is the pill too hard to swallow you spit it out

I guess it doesn't matter

at least I use to think it didn't

but maybe you're right and I'm just slow

because I thought by now we could fix each other

but fixing requires communication

words

a cycle of talking and listening

and you've never been too good at listening

and sometimes talking

at least truthfully

so when I told you I needed honesty

and you showed me you couldn't give it to me

know that cutting ties hurt more than it set me free

and I still miss you

trying to find you in myself so I'm not alone

repeating patterns

eating clear lies and manipulation for dinner

because in reality that's the closest I really got to you

years of hiding yourself so I don't see right through you

so much that you became a ghost to me

but still

sometimes I wish I could just crawl in your arms like I used too

but I guess in the end the real hard pill to swallow was it was never a safe place

so forgive me that I stopped calling you mom

Kathy just seemed to make more sense in my mouth.