Rebirth

The way you changed my perception of myself

I remember when I was rainbows and daisies

The little fairy bringing light when others didn't have any

so why's it dark now?

where is my spirit that I drizzled just a little here

and a little there because I couldn't stop giving?

even when it meant there wasn't enough for me

I gave

and it felt good

it felt good to be peoples light

to save people

to save anyone

because I could never quite figure out how to save myself

but you took all the shimmer I had left

and stripped me of any light to regenerate

to continue the cycle

broken and unclear

when did I take on this job

it's so above my head I'm drowning

I don't want to be here anymore

I don't want to feel this anymore

it's like you poisoned my air

from the minute I met you and I didn't even realize

until after I left you

because all I've ever wanted was to give

to give whatever parts of me could help anyone

but I didn't realize until too late that with you

when I gave you weren't giving any back

you took and took and took

until it wasn't an exchange

it was a robbery

a robbing of everything I've ever had

ever been

so big that it felt like years in the making

like I was the special project you've been waiting for

and how great it felt to be special then

but I've now learned it was never in the way I wanted

I was special because the pain you gave me was so gut-wrenching

that I couldn't tell if my organs were properly still in my body

or dragging on the ground behind me

I couldn't recognize my own body trying to talk to me

I was special because I was an exclusive member of your club

even though I didn't know I was in it

the "elite"

the "wanted"

the "desired"

with strict rules and a broken dynamic

but still

did it ever feel good to be special to you

until it didn't

until it completely fucking didn't

until I realized I had completely lost myself

and I was just an echo of all the things I once wanted

and all the things you once promised

it's quiet now

it's been for a while

I guess that's what happens when your spirit dies

it just goes dark

quiet

not even a little hum

just a long fall

my broken wings couldn't make it no matter how hard I tried

but you made it like that

you wanted it like that

every time I fell deeper and deeper with no way to get back

you smiled

you smiled as you crushed me

and cried as I tried to get up

one thing you taught me is some people just don't like the light

there will always be those people that want you to turn it down

will say

"it's too much"

"it's too bright"

you were definitely one of those people

but another thing you definitely taught me

I never want to hear those words again

they don't belong to me

because when I started echoing them

I knew I had fallen too deep and there was no going back

just forward

because you killed that special girl

she's buried there with the tombstone reading

"I gave"

because that's all she knew

but now

I know that my giving wasn't the problem

it was your taking that brought us here

a lovely funeral that only you attended

because I will never go back to that grave

I only know forward

and truly I have you to thank for that

because as much as the unknown scares me

it'll never scare me more than the scars you continued to leave me

over the scars you already left

dead is dead

you're dead to me

I'm dead to me

but with death comes rebirth

so I can't speak for you

but I can promise you

with every part of me I have left

these wings will rebuild

even if you're still here as a reminder of the life we lived

I will keep flying

and you will wish you never took my shimmer

because there's something extremely powerful about a fairy that's just got her wings

and god knows I deserve my fairytale