Through My Broken Heart, A Perfect Love Will Start, A Father and Son, Forever Together and Never Apart.

Through My Broken Heart, A Perfect Love Will Start, A Father and Son, Forever Together and Never Apart.

For My oldest and My Youngest Sons,

By Nicole Attenhofer Poston

How can something so right, feel so wrong?

A pain that cuts so deep inside, you feel like everything that keeps you alive is gone?

A feeling that feels so close to dying,

That you can’t even dry up your tears although you are trying.

I gave my boys something special and way more than I ever could;

But honest to god it’s killing me more than I ever thought it would.

I have so many questions rumbling and racing through my head,

Like will my sweet baby know I love him or will he hate me instead?

Will I get to see how precious his firsts are as he learns and as he grows;

Hear his first words, watch his first steps, hold him when he’s sick, or blow his sweet little nose?

Kiss his boo-boos when he falls and gets hurt,

Be there to clean him up after he’s done making mud pies in the dirt?

Hold his little hand when he’s crossing a busy street,

Or see how cute he is when he’s lost his two front teeth.

Be able to hold him close after a bad dream in the middle of the night,

Tell him that it will be ok, while I dry his tears and squeeze him tight.

Just be able to say I love you,

And hear back I love you too.

As bad as I crave being the one he will know as his mother,

There’s no one I trust more to love him unconditionally as much as his brother.

I feel honored that I could help him become the dad he was destined to be;

Because I know the love they will share will be an amazing sight to see.

So although I feel like I’m broken and my life’s been torn apart,

I’ve given them each other, which I pray will one day mend my broken heart.

For I loved the two of them so much more than I ever loved myself,

That I put their best interests first, and mine on the back shelf.

I can’t predict the future or what it may hold,

I can only hope and pray I get to be involved as “Grandma” so I can watch its’ beauty unfold.

Love Always, Mom

PS-

Twinkle, twinkle my sweet little stars,

I hope you two know I love you and just how amazing you guys truly are.