The words I kept in my trunk

They were words kept for months. Words that should have been said at the right time, but for some reason were not said. Words that were kept because I realized that you didn't listen to them. Only yours were worth it. Mine were not. So I spent months without expressing myself.

Today I know it didn't do any good. Today I see myself alone and building what you had once destroyed little by little. My self, my pride, my ego, my personality. You had molded me to your liking. And I let you. Maybe because I liked you in an absolutely ridiculous and incomprehensible way. And looking back, I know that was my biggest mistake. Not speaking up. Not putting my foot down. Not arguing and accepting everything and justifying all your mistakes. Apologizing to you even when the mistake came from you. I remember vividly that you would turn it around in such a way that I would shut up and think you were right. You did me your way and you still weren't happy. You left and I looked in the mirror for the first time in a long time and I didn't recognize myself. I wasn't the same person anymore. I missed myself. I missed you. I cried my eyes out. But I know that was necessary to realize that I needed myself and not you or others. That I should rely on myself and build my castle because at one time or another, everyone leaves and we need our refuge. I had my refuge, it was you. And in the end, you were a terrible support.

Now, I'm going to tell you some of the things, which I should have said a long time ago. Don't get me wrong, but I think we both know it's only fair that I do. I need you to know that I'm over you and it's getting easier now to write without tears running down my face. I want you to know that half promises, half words, half affection, half love, half whatever are no use anymore, I deserve more than that, I deserve everything in full and we both know that. And we also know that you have never been able to do it in full.

I gave my best. My love, my companionship, my affection, my attention and you were never able to respond in the same way. My whole self did not arrive, because it was not me you wanted to have by your side. Deep down I don't know if you really tried, but thank you anyway. At least this way, I know that love is not begged, asked or demanded. Love happens and there are no barriers that cannot be overcome.

I can't tell you that I hate you. I hate the fact that you used half words, half feelings, half emotions, half moments that could have been perfect. I hate the fact that you didn't make the effort to listen to me. I hate that you made me cry for days and days with the disappointment you gave me. I hate the fact that I know you could have been more and given more of yourself and you didn't give like I did towards you.

Today I know that my biggest mistake was accepting you into my life, giving you a free pass, believing in you and making you an essential part of my life when I was just another one in yours. Of no importance whatsoever.

I sincerely wish you the best, although I know that like me you will have no one and I hope that one day you will see me happy, smiling, with someone by my side who shows that he really likes me.