The Unknown Result
No more drugs for this girl…or should I say mommy?
I hold my stomach
like a jar of roses
without water rushing,
without dirt to
tip the pot
Stir my emotion
with a huge wooden
spoon as the only
blood I can see
is the spotting
on my underwear
I wish I could un-see.
I check my dates, weeks,
and months like a cat in heat
is the cliché I cannot escape.
I hold my stomach like a bowl
of purple grapes. Cradle it as though something
is surviving like it's almost half living
but I feel like I'm not breathing.
It's the unknown result,
I'm afraid to see, to reveal
beneath a pink sheet a plus
for yes and a minus for no.
One pink line to determine
nothing exists and two to destroy
a life as I wait for the test sheet
to greet me.
If it's yes, I can already feel
my heart intact inside the tiny
beats I wanna hear. The rumbling
of my insides telling me this
is different this time.
Undetermined and scared at 18
help me breathe but there are
no prayers for me as I hold my breath
deep beneath the fluid.
I'm drowning in the unknown result
unable to finish my words because
I'm cutting deeper and deeper
into the food I swallow the tests
that have no result.
Invisible in my eyes as I taste
the salt, chocolate, and grease
reach my lips but taking
a knife to my cotton limbs
is the not the route to the doctor's
door.
I wanna hear the tiny beats
from the cotton candy machine,
but I don't want the plus...
I take a breath I want the minus..
I take a sigh
I have pill in one hand, a want
to hear the tiny beats from the sweets
machine...I breathe.
In the other hand is relief and another
month to look forward to without
hearing beats to feel a tiny bit
of relief.
I look down at the unknown
result, as I wait for the pink test
sheet to reach my palms...
I tear up every-time he asks
have you taken one yet.
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