The Timeline of my Womanhood

The first time I was accused of not being ladylike, I was 7. The accusation was made by one of my female teachers based on the top I was wearing. She said trying to look ‘sexy’ was inappropriate for my age. I had no idea what she meant.

The first time a boy said we had sex, I was 8. He walked around and told everyone how we did it in my bed. Again, I had no idea what he meant.

The first time I was accused of giving blow jobs to my friends, I was 16. I had trouble getting along with other girls… The boys were smart and funny… But blow jobs? Not yet.

The first time I was called a Femme Fatale, I was 18. My literature teacher showed us pictures of the redheads and explained how they seduced men. Of course, she pointed at me.

The first time I heard ‘she’s a good girl’, I was 22. They thought it was a compliment. They thought we all should be like that. I hated that term. It made me cringe, but just like a good girl, I didn’t snap.

The first time I said at loud I'll be walking alone down the aisle, I was 23. I explained to my wedding planner I was capable of walking myself. That my father didn’t own me, and my husband wouldn’t own me so why should anyone else walk besides me? She looked at me and she nodded, then asked my fiance what he wanted to do about it.

The first time I was told to love myself, I was 21. Not to accept, not to like but to undeniably and 100% love my body and mind. Can you believe it? 21…. I can’t. Of course, she became my best friend.

The one time my husband died, I was 26. I am 26. People feel bad for me but they assure me, I’ll find love again. God forbid I was in love for the rest of my life with a dead man, my husband. Even worse... God forbid I decided to get through life alone. With no other man, just on my own.

But then… the first time I went on a date after his death people kept asking “Are you sure you won’t regret?”... "Are you sure you are okay to have sex?". Clearly, according to society currently, I’m only allowed to be depressed. Not Feminine. Not Horny. Not Furious about losing my husband’s body.

They took those qualities away from me just as quickly as they gave them out. In their minds, they have a perfect idea of what I’m allowed.

So let me say it out loud for those in the back. F*ck your expectations. My womanhood is Mine to define.

This is a shorter and updated version that I perform on the stage as a slam. You can find the original (less damaged) version here.