The Timeline of my Womanhood

The first time I was accused of not being ladylike, I was 7. The accusation was made by one of my female teachers based on a top I was wearing. It exposed my shoulders and a bit of my back. She said trying to look ‘sexy’ was inappropriate for my age. I had no idea what she meant.

The first time a boy said we had sex, I was 8. He walked around and told everyone how we did it in my bed. Again, I had no idea what he meant.

The first time girls laughed at me I didn’t shave my legs, I was 11. I didn’t know I was supposed to…I asked my mum, she gave me a razor, I cut my skin, I bled and it hurt.

The first time I was bullied, I was 13. It sucked and it didn’t stop… they couldn’t let me be. Fake compliments and whispering behind my back. I switched schools again and again, trying to leave them behind.

The first time I was accused of giving blow jobs to my friends, I was 16. I had trouble getting along with other girls… The boys were smart and funny, I didn’t see anything wrong with hanging out with them. But blow jobs? Not yet.

The first time I was told I liked boys too much, I was 17. My history teacher hated my guts. I distracted her students, she claimed. I couldn’t stop myself, she’d laugh. She made sure everyone in our school was aware of that.

The first time I was called a Femme Fatale, I was 18. My literature teacher showed us pictures of the red heads and explained how they seduced men. Later on I was announced the school’s Femme Fatal of the year… my family was there to cheer...

The first time I grew out of my baby face, I was 20. Someone older was interested in me. He gave me whiskey on his balcony. You’re cute but not that pretty, he said.

The first time I heard ‘she’s a good girl’, I was 22. They thought it was a compliment. They thought we all should be like that. It made me sick, I shook my head. Later that night I screamed into the air.

The first time I said at loud I'll be walking alone down the aisle, I was 23. I explained my wedding planner I was capable of walking myself and my father didn’t own me, and my husband wouldn’t own me so why should anyone walk besides me? She looked at me and she nodded, then asked my husband what he wants to do about it.

The first time I was told to love myself, I was 21. Not to accept, not to like but to undeniably and 100% love my body and mind. Can you believe it? I can’t. Still, she became my best friend.

Throughout my whole life I was told how a real woman should act. What was ‘ladylike’ and what was not. I was sexualized by friends and teachers before I had any idea what sex really was. I was so confused about the society’s expectations and why I seemed never to be able to fit into them. Until the age of 21 I had never met a woman who’d truly embrace me. Not even one person throughout my childhood or adolescence in Poland would say I was perfect the way I was. I had a very low self esteem until I met someone who was not afraid to claim herself 100% amazing and she taught me to do the same. She’s my best friend, my inspiration and my best critic. She’s the one who gave me my voice. She started a new chapter of my life and of my womanhood simply titled "love yourself". Ever since I’ve learnt to educate myself and speak out. I learnt to surround myself with strong and empowered females who would empower me as well. We are not afraid to say we are truly amazing and we are always there to support each other. We don’t deny compliments, we accept them. We lift each other up and would never let anyone bring one of us down. I call these women my friends. That’s what real womanhood is. Believing in our own power and respecting others. In my head being a woman goes above gender. Women are a community with endless love and support for anyone who’s willing to be included.