The Night Before Hissmas

‘Twas the night before Hissmas, and all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring because I ate the mouse.

The stockings I shredded existed no more,

The milk left for Santa, I spilled on the floor.

My presents I massacred there in their beds,

I kicked out their stuffing and chewed off their heads.

“Twas then I decided I needed a nap,

So, I jumped on mom’s bed and laid in her lap.

With her in her jammies, and me in my fur,

She petted my ears, and I started to purr.

I left in a short time because I got bored,

And fed up with mom and she laid there and snored.

*

Then out in the front room arose such a ruckus,

Mom jumped out of bed and screamed “what the fuckus?”

She threw on her slippers and rushed down the hall.

When I ran ‘tween her feet, on her butt she did fall.

She looked round and saw the Christmas tree on the floor,

And I won’t repeat all the words that she swore.

She sprung to her feet, with a scowl on her face,

My clue that I’d best hurry out of this place.

Her eyes they were glaring, her teeth she did grit,

I knew, any second she might throw a fit.

She whistled and shouted and called me by name,

Then added more swear words, said I was to blame.

*

“Oh no, my dear mommy. Please do not blame me.

I swear I am as innocent as a kitty can be.

It’s true that I touched one shiny red ball,

At the top of the tree, up high on the wall.

‘Twas just one wee toy from the tree that I stole,

Then the bushy green monster near swallowed me whole.

I dashed away, dashed away, dashed away, dashed,

And barely escaped by the fur of my ass.”

When mom picked me up and gave me a cuddle,

I knew there’s no worry, I wasn’t in trouble.

Then she laid me back down on the pads of my feet,

And I yelled “Happy Hissmas, now give me a treat.”