The "Me" You Deserve

Reconnecting with the love of your life after 20 years should be among the happiest times in a person's life. And it was for me. But it was also, and continues to be, a time of sadness, regret and guilt.

When I met Carl for the first time in 1986, I was a smart, awkward, unsure little girl with arms and legs entirely too long for her tiny body. His love helped transform me into the woman I eventually became, accomplished, educated, successful and tough. I was the person that could do it all. Busy law career, 3 growing boys, an aging mother, no problem, I had it.

Until I didn't. Eventually years, decades, of trauma along with undiagnosed autism took their toll and the "Me" Carl came back to was a shell of her former self. What he got was an anxious, depressed, terrified, marginally functioning unit that even I didn't recognize. I wasn't kicking ass. I wasn't taking names. I wasn't doing anything, aside from hiding from the world until the sun went down, and then, maybe then, I'd run out to run an errand or two and buy a bottle of wine or two, or three.

He didn't seem bothered. Not even a tiny bit. He loved and accepted me in that miserable state. I felt, and still feel, secure and warm in that acceptance and love. But I also feel like crap, like he's been cheated out of having "Good Me," the Me that got things done, the Me that could take on the world and leave the world shivering in the corner knowing it's proverbial ass had been kicked. The "Me" the love of my life deserved. I wrote a poem about it:

Acceptance is something I’ve always craved,

To be welcomed, acknowledged,

Just as I am,

Loved for just being me,

Something as mythical as the unicorn of old.

Until you.

You’ve seen me at my worst,

Broken, battered and ugly,

Yet here you sit,

Holding me close,

Your love warming my timid chill.

My heart sings with joy,

Yet it also breaks,

Knowing you’ve been cheated,

That the “Me” you deserve

Has never come to light.

But from your safe cocoon,

A stirring within,

A rumbling of something, or someone, yet to come

Eager to see the light of day,

And I know you’ll love her too.

I feel myself getting stronger every day. It's been almost 8 years, but I'm finally beginning to feel like the person I was meant to be. Sometimes, all we need to become our best selves is a bit of love, acceptance and understanding, free of judgment and expectation. It's not a panacea, and it's not a cure all, but it's a start. Remember that the next time you encounter someone having a hard time. I'm so glad Carl did.