The Lucky Ones

Google defines 'addiction' as

the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.

However you shouldn't trust everything on the internet because for me this definition leaves out one key piece:

Addiction is a disease.

Don't worry you won't catch it if I sneeze / I am an addict / There is no vaccine, no Pfizer or Moderna / One day at a time/ I fight to stay clean.

Google defines the verb 'addicted' as

being physically and mentally dependent on a particular substance, and unable to stop taking it without incurring adverse effects.

You will see these adverse effects in these verses I read,

Addiction is a disease.

And so far,

I am one of the lucky ones.

It is a privilege to be sober / To have a roof over my head/ Clothes washed/ Every night I sleep in a bed / I am blessed.

I am one of the lucky ones.

I've had so many friends die that they are all I can write about/ My survivor's guilt fills me with imposter syndrome and doubt.

I write about my dead friends so much you would think I was the killer giving my confession in a murder trial.

The court rooms being every late-night open mic in town / I place my feet firmly on the ground / I place my right hand on the microphone like it's the Bible.

I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Because like chemo fighting cancer / Connection fights the habits of addiction / You have to be honest, open and willing to stay clean / It's more than just putting down the bottle of Jim Beam.

I swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth,

And the truth is I miss my friends so much you would think each death leaves a mark on my skin/ I yearn for each one to heal and then miss the itch as the scabs cease to peel.

The healing growing over the hurt/ A new flower growing from dirt.

I know I am not responsible for any of my friends' deaths;

Just how I am not responsible for the sun rising every morning / That is to say I do not hold that kind of power.

I do not force alcohol down anyone's throat/ do not put pills to their lips/ cut powder.

Inhale/ Exhale/ Just wake me in an hour...

Addiction is a disease.

It will not dissipate/ Or go away with ease.

Getting sober is the scariest shit I have ever done / The cravings come and go / Make me wish I was numb.

And I swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth,

But the truth is sometimes I wish it was me who had been lowered down the six feet, instead of

“insert name of most recently dead friend here”

May they Rest in Peace.

Because sometimes it takes the life of another/ Seeing all the mourning fathers and mothers/ To really grasp the gravity of addiction.

///

Writing about these feelings

making me think I have outsmarted

the grieving

process

realizing

I can never outsmart the jury that lives in my mind every time another friend dies.

With each new death I swear never to change my sobriety date . I swear to tell everyone I love you before it is too late.

But sometimes I just can't/ I fall short/ I slip/ The demons begin to dance.

I give in to the craving/ Y'all heard of Narcan?/ That shit be lifesaving!

Laughter is the best medicine / And dark humor is how I cope / Poetry is my outlet, and genuine connections give me hope / Some dude on the corner offers me dope, and I say,

hell yea----- ... I mean fuck no!

Telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth means admitting to my imperfections

Confessing to the world that I am doing my best and

Living this life as a recovering addict means speaking up and showing up so maybe someone else won't be too scared to do the same.

I still write about my dead friends so much that their deaths won't be in vain.

The truth is I hold no power in whether the sun will rise tomorrow/ but I do have the power to believe that it will.

I am one of the lucky ones.

Are you a friend of Bill's?