The fall of Dean Bordeaux

“Hey Bartender, can I get another and charge it to that slutty lover.”

“Wouldn’t have pegged you for banging girls, so I’m digging your cover.”

“Diversity. It’s all about diversity to keep the heart ticking and the mind going.”

"So can I ask you a question without you thinking I’m a nag?”

“Why would I think you’re a nag? I thought you were Jason. Oh, this is a good radio station.” Giggles, swaying, crunching, and hiccups.

“My curiosity may not be as cutesy to you as I hope it to be, but you intrigue me Jackie.”

“Fascinating. What’s your, possibly intrusive, question that has you rambling in hesitation and unwilling to make me bacon.”

“This is a bar, not a diner, so I couldn’t make you bacon even if you were finer. Seriously though, how did your husband die? or why?”

“Wow, that was a left fielder, good thing my thighs are stuck to this stool, or that might have made me teeter. Well… … … it’s kinda a long story. One that I’m not sure will sober me up to tell it or put me on my ass to quell the pain of it.”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want, but there are 5 hours till I walk you to your favorite orange lit haunt.”

“Point taken… … … So... … …

One day,

when the sun did shine,

a drop not of rain

yet still,

I heard something

against my windowpane.

A cloud there not in the sky,

to say the least,

beautiful,

yet my peace went missing.

Leaving a feeling,

that couldn’t be repressed,

nor

redirected.

An unnerving feeling,

to say the most,

razor-sharp

causing me to break apart.

I needed shoes,

barefoot was not safe.

What was happening here?

A paralyzing fate!

An unknown fear!

In my closet,

I was,

peeking out through

a skinny crack

wondering if…

I should turn back.

But...

Something kept my

eyes wide open.

Just to get a hint

of what was out of sync.

What I saw...

Through my water walls,

was the shadow of death

creeping through my home

like the sound of sweat.

It came from

across my grass,

through the sticks

& trees,

seeping

& leaking

through my bricks.

Soulless,

Coldness,

Bondless,

Boldness!

It surrounded my every movement.

I dared not speak.

Not even a peep.

It was creeping...

Slowly,

Softly,

Faintly.

I dared not close my eyes too tightly.

For in the approaching blackness

came a heartbreaking sight.

My love,

My life,

My everything!

Surrendering his soul

to the night.

The impression in my mind

etched for all time.

I screamed within myself,

unable to control me,

feeling completely beside myself,

just crying silently.

DEAN!

What is going on!?!

What are you doing!?!

What are you saying!?!

COME BACK!

I never turned my head.

The sirens in it...

Flashing

RED

RED

RED

NO!!!

DEAN!

Quit playing games!

You’re acting insane.

This is all wrong!

This can’t be going on.

To what do I attribute this tragedy?

DEAN!

Your face, still fresh in my mind.

My watch, still reads the same time.

DEAN!

Quit fooling with me!

Quit with this insanity!

To what do I owe this sadness?

HELP!!!

DEAN,

MY LOVE!!!

Are you giving up on me?

COME BACK!

This has to be a trick.

I am seriously

about

to

be

sick

Dean.

Please.

See he was:

Fidgeting with the window blinds.

Looking in.

Looking out.

What was this obsession all about,

this paranoia of sorts?

Was someone peeking in?

No,

just him... peeking out.

He was keeping one eye open,

with one eye closed.

The possibilities.

The maybe’s.

The could be’s.

He screamed,

“Where are they now?”

“They smell near.”

Sniffing the air

he was drenched in paralyzing fear.

Jumping up.

Jumping down.

From chair to window,

from window to chair.

An awful feeling

filled the air.

Scurrying all around.

Back to the blinds,

he yelled,

“A sneak attack!”

“It might be,

a backlash

or

an ambush!”

He stood ready.

Drip

.

.

.

Drop

.

.

.

on the windowpane.

His fingers were tapping the drops.

His mind was going insane,

for his heart couldn’t stop.

He tapped a message

a Morse-Code.

Then stared without blinking,

down our dirt road.

He kept looking over his shoulder,

time kept getting older.

He kept getting worse

&

he’d kept all this from me.

Or maybe I was too blind to see

this rather frail part

of a triumphant mind

that was falling apart.

Then...

The sky opened up

to a tirade of wind.

Blowing me apart.

It proceeded with fury,

a needling rain in a hurry,

torturing our windows.

Every memory

that we’d made

being scattered with questions.

Him hiding under our pillows

watching,

&

swaying

like storm-strewn willows.

I slid down against the wall.

I couldn’t walk.

I couldn’t crawl.

I rest my elbows on my knees.

Should I take refuge in my closet forever?

My closet is so small.

My anxiety is so large.

I felt my heart fall,

my mind enthralled,

in a rage, I hated to have to control.

I thought,

how?

I had touched a tangible serenity

of what I thought to be real.

Now,

I have no idea what to feel.

These days’ events

I couldn’t explain

I lost my words.

This undertaking

was difficult to convey,

my reality was now forsaken,

&

my understanding of life

taken.

I begged and pleaded

that he

spill his inner thoughts to me.

Please tell me all.

Like why was I witnessing

this unforeseen fall?

Was this because of the war,

because of all the stress,

or

his choice to relinquish choice,

his decision to just repress?

Has all of that left him hurt beyond repair?

I needed him to tell me, cause I cared.

He was losing the ground beneath his feet

&

the wind he had left to speak.

I had so many questions,

with absolutely no answers

&

apparently, time was like a cancer

inevitable and unyielding.

Was he looking for something he could not find?

Like a way out of that day and time?

He had to know he’d feel this pain.

I guess he didn’t realize to what degree

cause he was letting his stormy rain

erase his present

&

not his pain.

Turning the something I thought he was

into the nothing, he thought he was.

I wanted to remind him of what’s true

but would he recognize

through his clouded eyes?

Could he see the disaster,

he was allowing to fester

through his repressed pain

&

well-meant gestures?

Did he think I wouldn’t have still loved him?

Now, time was...

Slowly dragging,

days nagging,

body sagging,

as he concluded

a prediction

nightly

screaming

“more ammunition”

frighteningly.

Running around...

“Churn, Churn

Clunk, Clunk”

“Crack, Boom

Bump, Bump”

Grinding his heels

to his chattering teeth.

Staring at broken time

thinking

the enemy is just

out of reach.

He winced at my touch

if I got to get near.

Feeling way too much

intuned like a blind man's ear.

He knew me.

Then,

he did not.

My warm leaking fingers

outstretched at all times,

became frozen tipped lingers.

As my tears

puddled into rage

blue became red

and...

my loneliness

just waiting to be said.

As days turned into night,

night turned into day.

From bed to couch,

couch to yard

screaming

while dreaming,

screaming while awake

“Everything’s at stake”.

“Crack, Crack

Snap Back”

“Bang Bang

Clang, Clang”

He’d slice his skin open

with gravel

&

nails.

Constantly on edge

riding the rails.

Traveling deeper

within himself

not

letting

me

help.

His brotherly love

was saturating his senses,

shattering glasses,

&

building barbed wire fences.

I realized harder he wasn’t there.

So, of all the things that could go wrong

that we could always mend or fix

this time,

his light was about to go out

&

I couldn’t find... even... a... tiny... light... lit.

Where have you hidden it, my dear?

Where is your light, my dear?

My shaky hands

clammy with sweat.

His scattered mind

detached

&

distracted

with answers so

difficult to find,

&

surmounting questions

of a complicated kind.

Was it...

sympathy depression?

I laugh,

more like infectious insanity

the way I felt.

Was this for real?

He loaded and locked his gun.

I was drowning

far from floating.

He was falling faster,

screaming louder.

We were agonizing together,

yet worlds apart.

I begged with all my heart.

Please let me be dreaming.

I ran my nails across my skin.

WAKE UP!

WAKE UP!

I was bleeding,

so this was happening.

He was now lost

with no control.

Acting like

an unknowing fool.

Looking back at me

through his eyepiece

looking at him

through my flooded eyes

that did not cease.

The blood I’d drawn, to wake me,

was now dripping slowly,

dripping unfairly,

dripping each drop,

as if to scare me.

But I was now numb.

I was defeated.

I screamed these statements

inside my head.

I wanted so badly to escape

this moment of pure dread.

Then:

His mouth closed

around his gun

choosing the taste of chrome

to the beauty that

was our home.

I close my eyes...

Then opened them wide

&

Spoke loudly from inside:

Please hear me, my love...

I miss you like a blind man’s light

&

a wish upon a star.

With tears in my eyes

come to me from where you are.

I love you like a queen bee’s honey

&

your hands upon my face.

Please come back to me

here, in our place.

I miss you like a deaf man’s song

like the desert misses weather.

With these tears in our eyes

come back to me

so we can be together.

I need you like the sky needs stars

&

the ocean needs reflection

wipe these tears from my eyes

&

let us move in a better direction.

So:

He lowered his hand,

his gun dropped,

to the floor, he sank,

so my words stopped.

I crawled to him

on hands and knees

&

wrapped my arms around him.

His eyes watered over,

his body became weak,

he was a weeping willow

dried up from the summer heat.

He wept

but through caught breath

crept:

“I saw stuff

no soul should ever see.

I held hands with friends

bleeding from their extremities.

Trying to calm their pain

that was dealt from my commands

for a good that seemed

never sane,

never achieved,

but always strongly believed.

I was looked upon for answers

that I never knew the truth to.

Looked loved ones in the eyes

that I have had to lie to

for a greater good

against an enemy

never understood,

maybe never even seen.

Still, we’d pull the triggers

watching the blood careen

from bodies of strangers,

from bodies of us

down dirt roads,

in deserts,

in cities,

in towns,

in huts

from eyes that had trust.

What irony.

Now I have this constant playback

of the justified unjust,

of the lingering stench of corpses

that mixed with morning dew

from puddles of flesh

from a midnight slew.

What could I do?

These were my orders,

my directions.

I took pride in my convictions

to uphold my promise

to serve

&

protect.

Other notions I chose to reject,

we always hope for the best,

for the strength to pass life’s test.

But now it won’t stop!

It’s on constant auto loop.

Rewind,

play,

rewind,

play.

This is my karma

for the decisions... I... made... every... day.”

So:

I held him…

Because he was coming undone.

My love, was dying inside.

He shook so violently

and

he needed me to.

I held him…

Because he was my only one.

My love, needed me by his side.

He was talking silently

&

I, needed me to.