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The Abominable No-Meatman

A.H. Mittelman

By Alex H Mittelman Published 27 days ago Updated 25 days ago 4 min read
Top Story - April 2024
Pennywise and the menu

So, I had an idea. I was wondering if Pennywise the dancing clown went vegan because he wanted to befriend humanity, what would he eat? Would there be food options for him, or would he have to starve just to be put in a better light with us humans. So I’ve created a special restaurant and menu just for him. This way, if Pennywise were to become vegan, he wouldn’t have to get creative with his dietary choices, I’ve done it for him. I’ve taken the work out of going vegan on his behalf! Here is a special restaurant and menu I made just for our friend, Pennywise!

Pennywise enjoying some vegan dishes

The Abominable No-Meatman:

The Horrific Herbivore’s Safe Haven


Fear-filled Tofu: Our chef for Pennywise has infused tofu with the fear of its victims, adding a satisfyingly sinister twist to this classic vegan staple. Our chef gathers fear by pranking our other customers and bottling the adrenaline that seeps out of their pores and sweat glands.

Phantom Seitan: Seitan, made from vital wheat gluten and the terrified souls of freshly boiled broccoli, is shaped into spooky phantoms and then can be devoured by Pennywise.

Tempeh Terror: our chef has marinated tempeh from The Temple of Tempeh Terror and boiled it in water from the lakes of fear and despair, creating a deliciously horrifying vegan treat that even the darkest, most sinister and vile demon from hell would enjoy.

Quinoa of Chaos: We’ve cooked up a batch of quinoa infused with the chaos and destruction of a haunted farm that Pennywise loves so much and has haunted himself on several occasions, insuring that fresh fear taste.

Portobello Mushroom Nightmare: We’ve sautéed some portobello mushrooms in a sauce made from the nightmares of Pennywise’s victims, adding a rich and savory adrenaline filled flavor to the dish.

Cashew Cream Scream: We’ve blended some cashews with the screams of Pennywise’s victims, creating a creamy and delicious vegan sauce to pour over all of your favorite dishes. Comes with slices of freshly slaughtered watermelon.

Jackfruit Jack-o'-lanterns: We’ve stuffed some jackfruit into carved-out pumpkins, creating a spooky and satisfying vegan meal. We used them to scare some neighborhood kids and filled the jackfruit jack-o’s to the brim with their fear.

Black Bean Bewitchment: We’ve simmered up some black beans in a broth made from adrenaline directly extracted from the adrenal glands of Pennywise’s victims, adding a touch of magic to this classic vegan protein source.

Bloody Beet Burger: Our chef has made a patty by beating the life out of beets, then squeezing the juice out of more beets all over the burger for that extra bloody feeling of fresh killed prey. Pennywise will feel the fear with every bite. Comes with apple slices.

Devilish Seitan Sticky Fingers: We’ve cooked up some Seitan, carved it into the shapes of creepy, pointed monster fingers and smothered them in marinara sauce.

Creepy Crawly Kale Salad: We made a salad using Kale and used the slime from Night crawlers, slugs and earthworms for dressing. We added some fresh squeezed lemon juice and just a dash of salt. Noodles on the side so you can dangle them like worms and gulp them down.

Vegan Nightmare Noodle Bowl surprise: The ingredients to this dish are a secret, hence the surprise. But we can tell you this dish was made with love… and adrenaline juice.

Hauntingly Delicious Hummus Platter: Freshly made hummus made while screaming into a bowl, slathered all over fresh vegetables that are murdered… we mean picked fresh daily. Made into the shape of a human head.

Phantom Falafel Wrap: A falafel wrap made from the souls of people who died long ago of natural causes…. They were naturally afraid to die. This fear filled dish is filling and delicious!

Ghostly Garlicky Mashed Potatoes: We add ghosts and garlic to traditional mashed potatoes in this dish in the shape of a scary fish.

Dessert Menu:

Pennywise enjoying vegan dessert

Black-As-Night Vegan Brownie: A brownie made with teeth extracted from freshly dug graves. We put the teeth in the shape of a mouth.

Redrum Raspberry Sorbet: A bloody delicious and bright red dessert. We freeze liquid Adrenalin instead of water or cream before adding the raspberry’s.

Sinisterly Sweet Vegan Cheesecake: We pour a scary amount of sugar into this dessert. It’s enough to kill any man, but not Pennywise!

Spooky Strawberry Smoothie: For an extra satisfying fresh taste, we collect blood donations and add them to our strawberry sweet treat.

Creepy Coconut Cake: A cake covered in beetle exoskeletons and cockroach droppings.

Terrifyingly Tasty Tiramisu: Traditional tiramisu burnt to a crisp and mixed with skin flakes.

Ghoulishly Good Gluten-Free Cookie: the cookie might be gluten free, but we added the adrenaline from one thousand terrified children trapped inside a school bus to these ghoul shaped delights. Don’t worry, the children were let out of the bus afterwords and now live on a free range playground that farms organic fear.

Frightfully Fruity Vegan Popsicle: Frozen fear on a stick.

Monster Mashup Sorbet: sorbet served in a cup made from bones and shaped into the shape of a screaming face.

We hope our menu satisfies Pennywise’s new vegan diet and keeps him from eating us!

Short StorySatireHumorHorrorFan Fiction

About the Creator

Alex H Mittelman

I love writing and just finished my first novel. Writing since I was nine. I’m on the autism spectrum but that doesn’t stop me! If you like my stories, click the heart, leave a comment. Link to book:

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Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!

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Comments (47)

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  • C. Rommial Butler18 days ago

    Well-wrought, Alex! The comedy of horror is well-wrought here indeed! I laughed out loud at "the terrified souls of freshly boiled broccoli"! Adding this one to the comment section of my CREATION MYTH as an intro to your work!

  • lahsen ezahouani18 days ago

    very nice story

  • Abdul Qayyum19 days ago

    Fantastic writing

  • I. R. Pathak19 days ago

    It is so engaging and laced with creativity, wit and humour. It's an innovative outstanding piece.

  • Pauline Fountain19 days ago

    Compelling and original indeed! Congrats on a most worthy TS! I bravely devoured this - like others I have an unfounded fear of clowns. But can pin down no origin. Hmmm My most appealing dish? “Ghoulishly Good Gluten-Free Cookie: the cookie might be gluten free, but we added the adrenaline from one thousand terrified children trapped inside a school bus to these ghoul shaped delights. Don’t worry, the children were let out of the bus afterwords and now live on a free range playground that farms organic fear.” Pauline 🌸

  • Kamal O. Touhami19 days ago

    Wonderful work of art.

  • BrettNotGreg20 days ago

    Loved this read! Very creative!

  • D.K. Shepard22 days ago

    This is fantastic! So creepily clever! Loved all the dish names! I think Pennywise should go with the Bloody Beet Burger (with apple slices of course) and Sinisterly Sweet Cheesecake!

  • Alex, this is beyond clever and fun. You are the master, here!!

  • Dana Crandell24 days ago

    Great job on this one, Alex. It was a fun read! Congratulations!

  • Tom Baker24 days ago

    I originally thought this article was about Tesco Vee.

  • Belle24 days ago

    Congrats on top story!

  • shanmuga priya25 days ago

    Congratulations !

  • Murali25 days ago


  • Rebekah Crawley25 days ago

    A murderous, horror themed vegan cafe is exactly the kind of chaotic irony the world needs right now. It just fits the current aesthetic so well ✨ haha, congrats on Top Story!

  • Seo Cleer25 days ago

    تنسيق الحدائق يعتبر عملية ممتعة ومهمة لإضافة جمال وجاذبية للمنزل إليك بعض الخطوات الأساسية لتنسيق الحدائق بشكل جميل ومرتب: التخطيط الجيد: قبل البدء في تنسيق الحديقة، يجب وضع خطة مفصلة تشمل المساحة المتاحة، وأنواع النباتات المرغوبة، والأماكن المناسبة للزراعة والأثاث والممرات شركة تنسيق حدائق

  • Kodah25 days ago

    Congrats on top story Alex!! 💌🎉🥳🎉🥳

  • Superb and so creative! Congrats on top story! 🥳🤩

  • The popsicle sounds delightful! Lol you are truly creative. 💘👌👏👏👏


  • Ameer Bibi25 days ago

    Congratulations 🎉 on top story, it is creative and incredible work.

  • D. D. Lee25 days ago

    Freshly dug up teeth. Lol. I’d hate to be tasked with the job of collecting ingredients. Very creative nonetheless. Congrats on TS!

  • sagar dhital25 days ago


  • Congratulations on your top story.

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