The Doctor Said

The doctor said I look “healthy”

and I cried

For all the nights spent on the floor

knees kissing bathroom tiles

and all the days my stomach was a bottomless pit

I shoved food in like it was medicine

and maybe to a starving body it was.

The doctor said my skin is glowing

and I cried

For the mornings spent at the mirror

trying to breathe through the pain

of a swollen face

and for the legs that turned into balloons

every time I returned

from another fling with starvation.

The doctor said she’s happy I gained weight

and I cried

For the last week that I’ve hobbled on ankles too big to hold me

For the tightness in my neck and shoulders

For the pain of being stuck in a maddening cycle of fighting myself.

The doctor saw a number on a scale

and marked me “fixed”

while my threadbare heart broke

again.