The course of true love
For the Smooth challenge
I choose how to use the striated muscles of my arms,
Who to reach for, when to hold myself,
But the smooth muscles of my gut I do not control,
The peristaltic waves of wanting, ripples through my core,
I do not author. I only feed.
-
Hungry, I mistook the muscle of your heart for smooth,
And placed my fingertips against it,
Wanting that frictionless glide to be beautiful,
Figure skaters viewed from a distance, seeming effortless,
Not recognising that you were letting me slip.
-
You dragged me across the glassy ice, bejewelled, spandex slick,
Falling as you pulled me towards you,
Forever in retreat. But crystals catch, and face down,
I saw the flotsam locked in place, the dark current below.
I heard the shell groan, the fissures crack.
-
You mistook my smoothness for softness, rabbit-eared
Beneath your lips. My sublimation
Rendered me ethereal. But cold condensed me.
My deposition rimes us both in hard frosted crystal,
And the striated muscle of my heart contracts.
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Heartfelt and relatable
The story invoked strong personal emotions
Compelling and original writing
Creative use of language & vocab
Eye opening
Niche topic & fresh perspectives
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📢 Raise Your Voice Thread: 07/25/2024
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Comments (25)
Wonderful, deep poem! Great job.
This is a great story. I enjoyed this story. If you want to read my story then visit this link https://vocal.media/confessions/mee-and-adon-s-odyssey-of-love
Peristaltic, what an excellent word!
Your poetry is very intelligent and beautiful. I’m always impressed where you go with each line
Wow... this was deep, breath taking and heart palpitating!! Great work Hannah and congrats in Top Story!
So happy this got a Top Story! Congratulations!
"I saw the flotsam locked in place, the dark current below." What a way of building up anticipation within poetry. You executed it so flawlessly. Many parts stood out to me but this one was the line that triggered my adrenaline. So suspenseful, beautiful, and rhythmical. The evocative visuals you presented to us were just as smooth and effortless as your protagonist's descent into disaster.
Fabulous!!! Loved it!!!
Love the depth of emotion or willful lack of I suppose. Brilliantly done and love the image of the ice skaters from a distance x And congrats on beautiful TS 🤍
Dayum. Ms Moore, another fine challenge entry and another reason for me to be pooping my pants. This is seriously so good. You're just one of my favourite writers, Hannah and another fine Top Story, makes me smile!
Oh my goodness. This is gorgeous. Congrats on the TS.
Oooo, I loved, loved, loved your word choices so much!! Gorgeous work, my friend. Congrats on Top Story!!
Peristaltic waves. Whoaaaa, I loved that so much! And also your metaphors! I'd be very disappointed if this didn't place in the challenge. Loved your poem!
The images you have painted with your beautiful poetry Hannah … sublime! I can only dream of performing such alchemy 🤍 (I haven’t managed to finish my smooth entry yet so will have to get my skates on for deadline 😮)
Wow! I feel you metaphorically squeezing the pain, love, anguish and life itself into a tight bundle of air and space. Releasing it to a space of freedom somewhere. I ramble...sorry. Deep thoughts.
Beautiful as ever x So much developed in such a small space 🤍
So visual. Rabbit-eared. Tactile. This is writing to be envied.
Clever use of language. Impressive. You have packed a lot of meaning in through great word choice. Slick.😉 My favourite line: My deposition rimes us both in hard frosted crystal, Rimes... love it... greath depth there. ❤️
The visuals and symbolism are outstanding. I could feel this as I read it. Excellent work!!!
I wanted to say something about the metaphors being brilliant. I think you already gathered that. It was spectacularly done.
I agree with Andrei. Your meaptphors in this are amazing.
A work of art! It's amazing how visuals complement the experience of reading. I really felt this one. Well done!
I like your metaphors here a lot! Very clever!
Nice and smooth
. What a beautiful poem!