The Colours of Me

Sometimes I feel a whole rainbow of colours in a day.

Yet, not in order,

I'm not organised,

it's chaotic,

I go from Blue to Red to Gray.

To Orange in hope and Gold in faith,

next minute I'm Green

and depending on the shade,

I'm either anxious or afraid,

or tranquil like a lake, in a quiet forest.

If I'm honest,

it is so confusing.

And when I try to explain,

I know I sound like there is a high probability I'm insane.

Maybe I am a bit.

Maybe I'm falling apart at the tip,

of the pinnacle of what I can take.

See Blue represents the home I still haven't found,

and that stuff gets me down.

Red is the rage and frustration at all the times I've fallen on the ground,

and all the madness I see in the world we live in now.

Gray is deceitful,

because it feels better to not feel.

It lures me in, except,

it is a place where colours don't exist.

Cloaking my senses, from the warm Pink

that my parents and lover give,

(And that's not a life I want to live).

So I do my best not to abide there long

It takes dogged effort most days,

from reserves already too drawn upon,

but I will stridently continue on,

despite how my exhaustion weighs

me down.

Honestly,

I'm sick of seeing us define ourselves by just one shade

While the rest of our nuances get tucked away,

It's a happiness thieving gross charade

Festering in fear, hoping parts of us will magically disappear some day,

I'm still trying to tell the voice in my head,

if it would stop talking to me so violently,

the absence of colour is something I would never need,

but the only time it seems to be quiet,

is when it's silently mocking me.

I keep in my mind's eye,

as I once again pull myself up,

Stormy weather is necessary,

to regularly disrupt.

For my wings wouldn't fly

without any strength training.

Challenges are what develop us.

Real and even imaginary.

(Because sometimes in reality,

I am my own worst enemy).

Sometimes it just looks black with how mixed up everything really is.

Maybe this is every artist's antithesis.

I'm lucky, I know,

to have a few that love my tints,

That appreciate all my crossed wires and my dints

next to my best friend, looking at my palette,

I can start to see now, maybe I won the ballot.

Because really, any rainbow,

is a seed from which beautiful things may grow.

I am an artist after all,

I know, there is no point in life without any paint.

Without all of the colours I would be limited,

in what I could create.

If you were to take away all my pigment,

all that would be left is a half constructed figment

of imagination.

So I tell that voice I'm done with it, cue emancipation.

Bring back all the hues, let colour be my haven.

I am ready for all the Red's, Orange's, Yellow's, Green's and Blue's.

Ready for harmony to come turn this mess,

into my muse.

I am ready for Purple's and Violet's

like a heavenly ray to uplift me,

Surfing on the spectrum like never before,

I'm training with the pilots,

battle scars and tests passed, upgraded to the best me.

I'm ready for a life that when I reach those cliffs,

that the voice in my head will lovingly narrate,

"I'm most amazed at how she handles those if's,"

Vision forward, I won't abate

Fearlessly I spreads my wings

And leap onward across the canvas

Flying so magnificently it sings

Chromesthesia, genius,

I'm made for this

See,

I'm not special, I can't define it,

whether it's colour as identity or emotion.

It's like asking me to pick one shell to represent the ocean,

I can't just choose just one and say I'm Golden.

And I'm over defining myself for others, feeling beholden.

We all find out who we are,

for a day, a week, a month, a year..

then it changes, and we're that person

still as unique as can be, discovering a new personal frontier.

It's a moving target,

yesterday's identify becomes today's dress-up garment.

I can't outline it, or present it to your check boxes,

squeeze into your labels or be contained in your social bias's

I stuggle to choose one colour when I am the whole rainbow and even more,

Always in a different order then the person you met the day before.

So express it all, enjoy it all, and know that it will change,

And through it all,

me is Me,

So I'll meet you as I am today.