The Colour Red

The Colour Red

We pass each other in the night.

Unable to communicate because each time we do, I fall apart from the cheap glue I was built with.

You blame me each and every time for the destruction in my path.

I feel endless guilt at my inability to love and understand you. I hate you so much.

Writing is the original language I was taught to grieve. The punishment for my pain was always due.

I became who I needed to be in my own time. You could never rush me. I'll make you proud of who I am one day.

They tell me not to worry about you, you'll never be proud of me, but the child inside me screams, asking for you to turn away from your sin and look at me.

I realise as I scream at your empty eyes, that you were only a hollow shell and I created all that you were inside my mind. I ask helplessly why God has damned me, but the sky is empty as it turns red.

Being me wasn't supposed to be easy, you made sure of that. You condemned me to a fate worse than death long before I learned to live.

And I apologised to you. Oh how I did apologise.

Heart-Shaped Locket

I keep a photo of you in the locket I wear around my neck.

I walk down the street, drunk and alone, I think I see a glimpse of you in the crowd of strangers.

I realise it's just a trick of the light because time will come and go and leave me far behind. I won't see your face ever again.

I breath in tight and touch the locket, it rests next to my heart but never numbs the pain.

One day grief will take your hand and teach you how to dance. You’ll realise how the way it takes hold, how the steps aren’t yours anymore. Then you’ll know the reason I move the way I do.

Your endless rage will consume you until there is nothing left. Maybe one day we will meet as equals and maybe you’ll finally listen to me.

The pain resides deep in my heart, and in my head, between my eyes. I’ve never understood it and I doubt I ever will.

Cross my heart, I’ll never come back to you.

I was brave.

I am brave.

I am stronger than this.

The cut you create don’t heal.

I hope you die, bitter and alone.

I’m not sure how we are meant to find the strength inside ourselves to stay alive. Life means nothing and is nothing. It’s the way it will always be. We are powerless to the decay of our bodies. We don’t always choose death, but death always chooses us. Death is the only loyalty, the only consistent.

Teach me how to dance and I’ll expect the kicks and punches when I do it like you taught me.

We’ll stand eye to eye, an unstoppable force and an immovable object. A person who will never apologise and a person who will never forgive.