The Battle

Today I figured out just how much I mean to me. Today I sat alone on an empty sidewalk cemented by my dreams. I listened very carefully, to the wind that passed me by. It often mentioned memories of you and I. And I felt the tears inside me, each one then hit my head. And as my heart beat speed-ed, the ground below me did. It shook and trembled greatly with every heavy breath. The thunder kept on roaring like the screaming in my head. When I closed my eyes, day turned to night, the sun shooting away with all its burning light. The darkness did reach deeper, than any eye could see. My body now consumed in every little thing. And as I sat their dying, holding in this pain, I felt the break submerging me.. my entirety insane.

"Who could save me from it?" A questioned dully rang.

"No one," echoed the voices of the passing cars in the lane. "Who can save you from this? Who can be you knight? Who will help you out from the darkest parts of life? When all is broken deep inside, and no one knows just how you feel, who will save you from the hatred that you spill? Who will be there for you, when the world is white washed gray? Who will hold your hand, when the demons take and take? If you go about just singing, smiling with your lies, who will save you from your silent deadly demise? Body grows cold, death be quick, given this notion... why... you make yourself sick."

Each notion now created, chipped and chipped away...the little bit of me I had bottled up and saved. "What better way to do it, to feel it all at once, release your essence Dear, we've grown a taste for your blood." So they pulled and tugged inside me, the angry bits of me, the corruption of my past, the thoughts of my one true enemy.

And I kicked and I screamed that I didn't want to go, and I begged and I pleaded from behind the window of my soul. I screamed and I shouted, but the thunder wasn't heard, and the rain that kept on falling...no one knew of my curse. My demons, my burdens, the ugly parts of me...that somehow came alive...BUT still to fight, I've fought all this time, and I can't let them eat it all away. Every smile isn't insanity, every laugh isn't etched in pain. Don't listen to those voices, real joy is felt. Don't fall victim to yourself....LISTEN TO YOURSELF!

"I love you. I love you, please come back to me. I miss all those smiles, and the very sweetest things. Like how you had so much energy, how you tried with all your might, when you loved to write and read and draw and just go walking or sit outside. I miss the woman who looked at the sky in awe of what she'd see, the closest to herself, when doing what she pleased. You were my victor my hero! You are my one true love! And the fight rages on, between the parts of you...enough is never enough. But I plead with you Darling...the battles are all done, the war isn't quite over...still no side has won. I know that pain is valid, we all feel it time to time. I know your heart still breaks, but you aren't dying on the inside. Please, open the bottle."

And there...there sat the bottle all glowing white, inside swirling hues of pink lavender and blue. It shimmered like glitter, it's radiance all its own. And from it came warmth that cut through this cold.

"Open the bottled," screamed each piece of me. And I tried to comply, but the glass slipped, breaking at my feet. Liquid so fragrant surrounded me.

"Look, see, you can't do anything right. Stupid little bug." Said I.

"And who are you to say?" Said I.

"Why even bother, why even try?" Said I.

"I tried my best, I did my best. Accidents happen." Said I.

The liquid felt warm, soaking through my shoes, my socks felt soaked too ...but. But I started to feel like me. I saw the color returning, and I felt a lightness in my chest. My mind grew silent and my soul was now at rest. The part of me I'd bottled... wasn't saved up at all, that part of me I'd hidden and shrouded in the dark. But, I felt it. I felt it returning.

"Hello my sweet, how I've missed you. Why you had me bottled for so long! How have been, my darling friend...I hope I didn't take too long? Don't worry, I've got you. And no things won't be the same, but that isn't our fault, we aren't to blame. And no don't be so hard on yourself, it happens time to time. Those demons can never eat me, I'm vibrant and I'm alive. Shhh...lets stop that crying, here let me cradle that pain. Oh! You have so much energy! Why haven't you been keeping up with things? You know what, never mind it, that's okay. Your okay. No matter how down you feel, no matter how numb you feel...no matter how you feel, you will be okay. You are okay.

I love you. I care about you too. And no matter the way you feel...I'm always here for you."

Today I remembered just how much I mean to me, and the answer to that is... I mean everything.