Talk Dirty/Breathe Easy

Everything you would want or need to know about me lies just beyond this page. When you turn this page you will be entering the centre of my brain; my third eye, my stories and experiences of brokenness and jadedness, my shattered heart and dreams, the art of my astral being. You will begin my new chapter by reading the cheap talk, the dirty talk, and the real talk. Photos, songs, promises and lies; it will all be just beyond this page. You will watch my healing process of going through PAIN, weeding out the LIES, dreaming and remembering my DREAMS, AWAKENING and breathing almost for the first time, and then CREATING something new and beautiful, putting my dreams into action. In this book, I learn to breathe easy…

고생 끝에 낙이 온다. - At the end of hardship comes happiness.

가는 말이 고와야오는 말이 곱다. - If the outgoing words are beautiful, then the incoming words will be beautiful too.

People will always disappoint you, even those whom you have known for years. In this chapter you will see a rediscovery of myself because of a past relationship that shattered me. You will also see my motivation to start over again in a new place and escape the depressing scene of Seattle. Some of the poems aren’t even my own feelings. They are me reaching out to a sad friend and writing down exactly what they are feeling.

Remind me of where I stand and who I compete against

Make me jealous and blind again, my heart was left cold as ice

Make me feel dirty and cheap and used

What more damage could you possibly do?

Talk dirty to me, even though it doesn’t turn me on

Whisper in my ear the things you wish to do to me

And then put those dreams into action

Drag my soul through the rain and leave me high in an alley

And forget me in the morning

But before you leave me, withered and rotting

Don’t forget to tell me how psychotic I am

And how I cared too much for you

Or possibly didn’t quite care enough

Talk my face down into the pavement, kick my heart around like a soda can

Talk those dirty mean words to me, Because it’s all I can stand

Can someone take me apart and put me back together so I don't hurt?

Strip me of this ugliness and sorrow so I can feel again

Make me beautiful and stop the dirty looks from shooting my way

Bring me hope and innocence again

No more signs, no more lines, just a solid breakthrough

Something to hang onto

Breathing easy and taking names

Memorizing my dreams and playing them out

Forgetting all the hurts and lies

Forgetting all the broken forget-me-nots and promise

Burying the well that was dug and dried up from your constant thirst

I did all I could for you and you drank me dry

You took my freedom and made me sacrifice it all

Am I still breathing?

Am I repeating myself? Am I really just a broken record to you?

How important is your time with me?

I feel stiffened and toxic

As your green eyes penetrate me like I am nothing but a sheet

A bloody sheet that should be tossed out a window

A sheet you would hang yourself with

But only because you still live with your regrets

You still live in your rush hour nine to five days

Did I ever mean anything to you?

You just keep pulling me back under the stars

Keep asking me to loan you my scars

You drag me kicking and screaming back to the city

Back to the water front, back to the beginning

You keep pulling, tugging at my soul

I feel you, I know you’re there

But I’m going to dance through that burning house

I’m going to risk it all

I need some motivation

I’m sitting on this park bench waiting

Waiting for your call

I can finally dream again and you’re

Walking me down the rain stained sidewalks of the city

Feeding me with your sarcasm and blood

I dream to dream again and never forget

Your soft broken heart does not faze me

I only ask that you drag that lonely heart of yours to the side

And let it bleed until the sorrow is gone

Write down all your answers for me in a suicide note

But don’t bleed all the emotional ties that you carry

Let the blood drip from your fingers onto the floor

Staining the wood floors of the apartment

Staining your shoes and the cuff of your jeans

Let eternity stain your soul and your lips

Let your sanity hide under a rock until you are well enough to hold it again

Find your happiness at the bottom of several bottles of vodka

Because not even the pills will help you now

Do not dream, do not glance

No one can save you now from this bloody dance

Give me your answers and leave me in peace

My heart has already been stapled to your wall

Stop staring at it and let me go

Stomp on my heart just one more time

Make me crave for what I will never have

Bang my head up against a wall

Blanket me with your lies and forgiveness

Cut my thighs with your insincerity

And rip my dreams from the sky

Mask every thought of hope I’ve conceived

And toss me into your quicksand of blame

Your unforgettable torture will not go unacknowledged

Every pillow of demise and sorrow

Every cushion of discord and ritual

Everyone will sleep on it

Everyone will feel it

Your couch of shame is famous

How about I stomp on your dreams…

Zoning is my excuse now, just to ignore you

To not see every move you make

Hear every word you hear

Pretend that you don’t notice everything about me

I ignore the heart break and heart beat you carry

I ignore the very feeling of lust

I disagree with your ambition

I long to stab you in the heart

So drink from my bleeding eyes and see what I see

Do NOT hesitate to hate me

You’ve already drowned me on the inside

Dark, romantic, suicidal and poetic

Dramatic, beautiful, glorious and pathetic

Whips, chains, straps and gags

Scars, blood, puss and feces

I’m nothing wonderful to look at

Beaten, bruised, and laying in a gutter

Maybe you’ll find me behind the trash bin in an alleyway

Rotting in my misery and shattered dreams

Everything is coming out now

I am not the girl made of puppy dogs and butterflies

I am made of rainbows and razor-blades

Hiding my sadness with a smile

Don’t let my laughter fool you

I am withered on the inside

Fuck your life and your ways

Keep your hypocrisy

I’m tired of living this lie

It is ready to rupture inside of me

Ready to kill me from the inside, out, slowly

I’m in so deep it hurts

I want to lay here thriving and wailing on the floor

Until these feelings pass once more

I’d rather have my seizures and throw my angry fits

Than face what rejection that may lie ahead

I’ll keep my feelings to myself

I’m so in love…it hurts

I’d rather die alone in the bathtub drowning in my misery

Than watch as the world shines around me

Because it is shining without me

The chaos and torment of my mind cages me

I feel ashamed and banished from my own world

Watching my memories collide with one another

Causing tiny explosions behind my eye lids

Violent colours of blue, purple, and green

All those happy memories

All fading into pain and lies

The damage has been done, revolt against me cruel world

I’ve had enough of this rain and wind in my chest

My eyes and nose bleed from the war inside my head

The twice sold tales of my virtue and heroic acts

It all fades into the mist now as I lay her drowning

It’s OK, I know this world won’t miss me

Dear, __________

This is a story I’ve been longing to write to you

A story of truth and heart break

Nearly a year I have been lying to you

And for nearly a year it has been eating at me

Gnawing at me from the inside out

Like a pack of wolves feasting on a hot summers day

Dear, __________

I dare not reveal your true name

Lights flicker around me in anger

As I still suppress my feelings and anguish

I keep quiet to prevent drama and demise

I keep quiet so I won’t hurt you

I keep quiet, I keep quiet

But this monster longs to break free

Dear, __________

I’ll keep this empty space for you

And many others will try to fill it

Feeling their name meets protocol

Just because the space is bigger than your name

Doesn’t mean it is where they belong

Dear, ___________

I would breathe the air you breathe

Give you my breath if you asked

Gauze you wounds and stay with you till you’re better

In sickness and in health, I would not leave your side

Give you my pulse, my heart, my being

Dear, ___________

I am still looking for a way to tell you

I can’t take you anywhere, It’s too bad I carry you where ever I go

I have never once doubted you, only ever doubted myself in loving you

Tried making myself comfortable enough to tell you

Tried screaming it in my head to tell you

Tried writing you a love letter to tell you

You blow smoke in my face to tell me to back off

Talk cheaply to make me feel how I make you feel

But how else should I talk to you?

How else should I respond when trying to hide from you?

Just keep me in your circle and I will attempt to keep my heart silent

Your secrets are safe with me

I won’t tell anyone

The one person I would die for and you’re huddled in a corner

Keeping your distance unsure of what I will do or say next

Just talk to me, I’ll be OK

Just tell me the truth, I’ll be OK

Yell at me, scream at me until you’re blue in the face!

I’ll be OK

I won’t tell anyone how you really feel, it’ll be OK

Did the turtle ever forgive the scorpion for stinging him and killing them both?

I know the scorpion forgives the turtle for being so naïve

The scorpion feels guilty

The scorpion is guilty

The scorpion is me

And I am guilty for caring

Guilty for trying to fix you

I am guilty for trying to understand

And guilty for letting you fall into the wrong hands

Dear Seattle,

I hate you

You and your tall buildings made of steel and glass

Your bum ridden streets

And alleyways that smell of piss and vomit

You, Seattle, the melting pot of Washington State

With your sleazy foreign old men

Who reek of beer and cigarettes

Who think they’ve still got it “going on”

Fuck you, Seattle

And your passive aggressive ways

Fuck you and your parks littered with alcoholics and heroin-addicts

Forget your clubs and pubs

Your romantic cowboys

Enlightened hippies

And your dreamy emo kids

Dear Seattle,

I will not miss you

It was such a pretty day out today

I actually didn’t listen to my head phone most of the day

I just listened to the world

Usually, I hate the noise of the city

It’s loud and obnoxious and all the people irritate me

But not today

I made myself get out of bed today

I made myself go out into the sunshine and find my way

I made myself face the noise and the crowd

I am making the paranoia go away

It will no longer control me

I am making myself ready for the working world again

I will face the noise and the nightmares

To regain my sanity