Stay

I scream, I cry, I beg...I come off as too much.

Maybe too little sanity is left.

My mind feels shot full of holes and there is no repairing this. There is just living with it. I'm living with a brain that is bleeding out slowly.

My mind is a hurricane, a storm that despite my best efforts I can not tame. I can not find peace. I can not stop the storm. There are times when the storm subsides and things calm a bit. I can see the parting of the clouds.

Sometimes my world is not on fire begging to be put out, but it comes back. It always comes back.

All I want is to feel wanted, loved, cherished,...safe with someone.

The longer time goes on, the more I think this will not happen.

I feel cursed to walk this land with this thick, dark blanket of depression wrapped around me.

No one wants this. No one knows how to deal with this. No one knows how to deal with me.

My mind scares people. I can't open up fully because they run. I wish I could run. I wish I had that option!

I have to be this fake person so they don't run away.

So they don't get scared.

The demons and the ghosts whisper that I will never be enough. That I will always be too much for someone to handle.

I can't handle myself so why would I think someone else could?

Why should I expect someone to know how to?

Is there a miracle left for me?

Someone who will understand, and know I only want someone to show up. I only want someone to hold me. I only want someone to help me quiet these demons.

I only want peace and stability.

I want to go home.

I want to crawl under a rock and die.

I want to hide from the world and never come back out.

Please, God, I'm so tired! I want to go home!

I can't go. I have people depending on me to survive.

My beautiful children need me. It kills me to say this but I wish I didn't have a reason to stay.

I wish I didn't have to stay here on this Earth.

It feels like a prison sentence some days.

Today, I want to be set free. I want to fly high in that sky and to my Savior.

But I have to stay.

I have to play pretend another day.

I'll smile through my pain and trauma and pretend I wasn't just crying.

How much longer?

How much more pain and rejection?

Today, I have to stay.

I can't leave. I'm told I'm not done.

He wants me to stay and finish the work I've started here.

So, I stay.

I stay to fight another day.

Today, I stay.