Poem: Things I Wished For vs. Things I Got (From My Last Relationship)

1. I wish your kisses felt like you meant it.

I don’t want kisses that feel like accidents,

like the way we might bump into strangers

or stumble over our words.

I don’t want kisses that feel the way

we lightly tap our friends’ shoulders,

or passive “thank yous” to cashiers at bodegas.

I want kisses that give me palpitations,

kisses that feel like there’s only so many left,

kisses that I have to explain

to friends and family alike.

I want kisses I can write poetry about;

not kisses I wish I could get.

2. I wish you asked me more questions.

Our dynamic was me listening,

visibly smitten

while you talked for hours.

I knew so much about you,

because I asked you many questions.

You were a quiet soul and a survivor of traumas,

both carrying and overcoming

hardships I could only imagine experiencing.

Our time together always felt like a little party

but it’s hard to feel like you’re at a party

…when you don’t feel invited.

3. I wish you could be a better wordsmith.

I’d never ask you to write poetry about me

but it would be nice if

after 3 months of seeing each other,

when I asked you

“what is it that you like about me?”

that you’d have more to say than just

“you’re chill, and down for anything.”

Maybe if you asked more questions

the answer wouldn’t be so hard to find.

4. I wish you’d touch me more.

Because holding my hand,

rustling my hair, and

resting your head on my shoulder,

half awake as we brushed our teeth

doesn’t take words.

It would just be nice if it happened more

than once.

5. I wish you’d let me be there for you.

On the day we met you didn’t hold back

to share nearly every suffering you’ve endured.

But I always found it strange that you

would find safety by keeping others

at bay, as if every weekend we spent together

wasn’t an invitation for you

to make a home out of me.

6. I wish you’d check in on me, not just when I was sick.

When I had salmonella on our Costa Rica trip,

the amount of times you checked on me

brought me so close to telling you

for the first time that I loved you.

I’d never felt more cared for.

I thought if you could prioritize me then

you’d surely do it again soon.

I was wrong.

7. I wish you were more verbal in bed.

I’m not saying you were silent

but a moan, a gasp, or a “fuck yes” would help.

Because honestly, giving a thumbs up

is not exactly the most encouraging feedback.

8. I wish you had texted me more often

If I had known that I’d go

days, up to a week not hearing

from you, I would’ve ended it sooner.

During all of that waiting

faithfully restraining myself

thinking it’d be best

not to bother you,

I had a lot of time on my hands

to realize the 5 things I was gaining

despite what I wished for.

—————————

1. I learned to love my quality time alone.

I had low self-esteem.

After all, I didn’t think it was possible

for someone like you

to want someone like me.

I thought you were out of my league.

But you learned about my insecurities,

and you stayed anyway.

Now that we’re through, something clicked.

If you could be proud of me,

I could be proud of me.

2. I learned to stop limiting myself.

None of that coy shit.

If I think you’re cute, I’m gonna pursue you.

3. I’ve learned to ask for what I want.

When we were together,

I hardly asked for more out of us

out of fear that I’d shatter

the fragile fantasy I was finally living.

But now I realize

there’s nothing wrong with wanting

love to feel real.

4. I have more respect for you.

When you asked me if I wanted to see ghosts,

I didn’t think that at your hometown’s cemetery,

you’d be showing me a gravestone with one name

that belongs to me AND your late fiancé.

Since then I’ve learned

to cherish vulnerability,

and understand that death has a way

of making love immortal.

5. I learned to keep the door shut behind me.

Now that you’re gone

all the way out in Colombia,

I hope the bike trails there are challenging enough

to take your mind off what haunts you.

And I hope that you’ll understand someday

that letting someone love you

means letting someone hurt you.

I hope that I can avoid the latter after writing this.

Just wish I could have done the former.