Pain that Dulls

G-d, the pain, it sears, it stabs

Upon my delicate conscience dabs;

It huffs and it puffs, it bangs its fists

Till all that’s left is pain in its midst;

I try to grasp, to grip, to hold

But to pain my conscience has been sold;

Now all that remains is ice so cold

That no amount of heat can mold;

I try to remember what’s right and wrong

But this murky darkness is much too long;

Right and left, the hazy same

Without even a victim to blame;

The knives with which I’ve fought the black

Now have stabbed me in the back;

All’s painted and blinded dark

Breathing down the sense of lark;

All’s evil and I am too

Can’t tell between lies and true;

I search and search for desire to search

But with bloody fingers I emerge;

Pure desire now reigns within

My heart has descended to treason;

I am blinded, basked in hate, in hate

Never could keep up with the rate;

Bearing all impossible pain

Pretending, convincing that I’m still sane;

At night my memories sometimes plague

From somewhere pure yet far too vague;

G-d, the pain, it hurts so much

Never yet as bad as such;

Somewhere far too deep to reach

If the density I can somehow breach;

Beneath the murkiest rivers of pain

Perhaps confined by the thickest chain;

My heart calls out, the faintest cry

My conscience that should have long gone dry;

They squirm beneath the holes been dug

Memories of that golden tug;

Thinking back to when it screeched

It spoke of truth, bellowed, preached

How I miss those days when I still felt

When tears still caused my soul to melt;

When bad was something far away

When light was something begging to stay;

When pain was something I can face

When I was something I can base;

G-d, the pain, it sears, it stabs

Upon my delicate conscience dabs;

Pain has washed it all away

Now, my conscience, you’ve gone astray;

Oh, my conscience, my soul shall burn

Burn and yearn for you to return…