october changes

I suppose if I'm being honest, I am just now, realizing my true identity.

I know that sounds strange, for someone my age, but nonetheless, it's true.

I've experienced so much, and now realize, so little, in the 58 years I have, (as they say, traveled around the sun).

I was privileged to be my daddy's little girl, and heartbroken in October, when I said, goodbye to him.

For me, in that pinnacle moment, I was struck with the notion, that I was no longer someone's child. And that, for the first time in my life, I am, for lack of a better term, orphaned.

It's not something I ever expected to feel, and naively, I never even gave it a second thought. (The feeling of abandonment) that came with life taking its natural course, caught me by surprise.

I am a mom, a sister, a loyal employee and half a dozen other titles, currently.

I am, however, no longer Boyd's little girl, currently.

He's passed on, and it has now become, past tense. Such a large part of who I have always been, is wrapped up in that truth, and the absence weighs heavy, begging the question, I never knew I would be asking.

Who AM I?

Everything he ever stood for and believed in, stays with me.

Everything he ever instilled in me, is intact.

Every word of kindness, encouragement and discipline he ever gave me, guides my thoughts, daily, but he is no longer here to seal them with his kiss. No generous hug or loving glances to reassure my steps.

I am a little girl without her daddy.

Maybe that sounds ridiculous or makes me sound weak or simple. But never, in my life, have I felt so unsure.

Now, please understand me, dad raised us well. He showed us by example how to be strong and independent people. We are more than capable to survive.

But I have explored my deepest thoughts and emotions, endlessly, the past couple months, and I can say without hesitation...I don't like it!

When you have experienced life and love to its fullest. Learning to be, and exist without the source of that incredible radiance, is difficult, at best.

Will I be, ok? Absolutely, I was exposed to the master.

I understand that this is a natural process, and I hurt because I was loved so well.

I will work through the difficult to find the diamond I know is there, and I will leave the map for my daughters to follow, when I leave.

I may struggle with who I will be, navigating without the loving hand of my father's input and influence.

But those are now, innately ingrained, into my being.

And I am on a new journey, a grand adventure, to uncover them in myself.