Nighttide

I stepped ashore and tried to wash away

These memories still fresh in my veins

Wash away the times, I was on your mind

The times, I mattered, the times that I shied and you pried

The heat that lit the night

The beat that made us thrive

The sparks they didn't matter, they still fly whenever you stop by

I'm reminded of the wee hours

When the world would say goodnight

We'd shed some darkness from under the covers

And gave each other some light

The hours we spent longing to draw out some sense

We found demons and powers knowing there would always be a fence

Every moment was a distraction tenfold intense

I watched you ever so closely, ruthlessly teasing myself

The stimulations and heightened senses

The not so subtle pretense

I played with my heart wide open, risking to be claimed

I was left wanting and wide open with confusion and disdain

Reference:

"Love made me do it" is a collection of poems that are reflections of the poets search for true love. The One that lasts. The One that is here to stay. The poems journey through different experiences, from real relationships, vastly varied from each other, with each one almost just as promising as the last.

Reflections:

This piece here addresses the simplicity of a toxic relationship. It represents the gradual impacts of a toxic relationship on mental health that eventually amplify into a critical call for help. It sheds light upon the innocence and unintentional methods, that characterize the onset of every toxic relationship. Most often then not, the partners are unaware, and in oblivious denial, when going through a toxic relationship.

The poet here describes the onset of the innocent attraction that quickly advanced into a desperate call for retraction, before bracing the fall from a toxic relationship. Unprepared for the trecherous path, the poet galantly dives head strong into an illegitimate relationship, determined with a false sense of freedom of expression.

A relationship based on lust and infidelity here, made the parties dependant on a fasle sense of trust. The secrecy created a dilusion of enchantment into each others vices. Lust was validated as an act of rebellion. Rebellion of the norm. Rebellion of formal laws. Rebellion of the age old limiting conditions by society.

Rebellion is a psycological behaviour that stems from deprivation or some form of insecurity or subjugation in one's early development years. The person's actions are usually driven by a fear of loss of freedom. Early signs of rebellion can be identified in persons who take pride in defying or bending the rules. Rebellion through a toxic relationship is a direct reflection of fear of commitment.

Insecurity about commitments are usually coupled with unclear vision bound by instability, as opposed to a secure path with clear vision. In fact someone who has clear vision with clear goals is seldom rebellious. A true fearless determination is indeed backed up with very realistic wants in a timely manner, as opposed to unrealistic limitless ideas of freedom. A toxic relationship has the tendency to free flow into the unknown of infinite possibilities. Beware of the lure of infinite possibilities. This is a double edged sword, that is a not-so-obvious sign of toxicity to watch out for.

Many a times, the members of a toxic relationship validate their actions and choices as an expression of individual freedom. There is a self-righteous sense of being true to one's needs and desires. This behaviour is charactistic to a mental pattern of worthiness. There is a twisted sense of feeling special and desired when in actuality, the choices are secondary and settling for lesser. So as the saying goes, "It is equal to settling for bones as a treat, instead of a wholesome meal."

In a toxic relationship, there is a misleading sense of charm in very legitimate human connections. Many of the sensations in learning about one another in a toxic relationship are amplified creating a hightened experience at every phase in the relationship. Often, a toxic relationship can be emotionally and mentally exhausting to keep up with. Every exchange is titillating, every expression is magnified. Exaggerated gestures through undue attention, tend to consistently keep the partners in a highly stimulated trance. Every moment is a tease and lure, inching deeper into the abyss of toxicity. Once in the trance, partners tend to spiral into a deeper emotional state, where sharing untold truths, and daring to share forbidden fruit creates yet another false layer of trust, sealing it with an unbreakable bond that only accomplices hold. With no true commitments in the real world, conversations are superfluous, fueled by exaggerated promises of possibilites that never need to be met. Once in a trance, the relationship takes on a path of a trecherous slippy slope.

The partners end up sabotaging each other's emotional vulnerability. There is a tendency for partners to turn sides, cause impulsive breakouts, emotional tantrums or even an abrupt fall out and ending. Short lived toxic relations can be very extreme with acute mental health conditions in a very short period of time.

A long drawn toxic relationship is more penetrative to the system and its innocuous nature is debilitating to mental health. It comes with no surprise, depression and anxiety from toxic relatoionships are becoming increasingly apparent in mental health concerns. Some partners who phase into a long term toxic relationship end up feeling challenged to take on every strike as unconditional affection or determination to be unphased by trivialities of the real world. They end up challenging themselves to take on a deeper level of trust by letting the other in, breaking into new vulnerable and intimate territories. Once the intimate barrier has been broken, committing to deeper levels of toxic acceptance becomes the norm. A clouded sense of moral is forged, in accepting toxicity as a heightened wholesome experience, unchartered by the age old traditions of society. There is a thin line between courage, and reducing one's virtue in the name of fearlessnes. Mezmerized by the exclusivity, most toxic relationships are hard to identify. Even the most emotionally aware, succumb to being victims too late in the game.

Holding onto a toxic relationship is like grasping on smooth sand, before being washed away at sea. The bold and brazen attempts to lure each other is a savage game of playing with fire ablaze. A trecherous choice for little shots of dopamine that makes the sensation of the burn irresistible. Often turning into an addiction, the initial attraction eventually proves fatal.

The views expressed in this article are solely based off the writer's personal experiences, shared in the light to bring awareness about toxic relationships. If you enjoyed reading this article, take a look at more poems by the writer on their page, in the same series," Love Made Me Do It."

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