my problems

A beautiful sad long ago self wrote this in 2019 i have come so very far, i am so very proud of me but wanted to share this seedlings story, she has a beautiful way with words and i will never deny any of her to be seen and heard…

How to not have the weight of the world on you?

i had it one time, that was the best time i ever had it, because i never had it

i’m that type of person who cares and puts out so much of her energy for the needs of other that at the back of the line is herself and i guess i don’t care and i should and i will but i don’t. right now.

i mean people talk to you through the eyes of their lives most of the time. i feel like i don’t have time for mine. i feel like i need to do something, anything. Micro or Marco. that feeling, that story, that pain of theirs just has to go.

but what about mine. no no. that’s too selfish. who cares. i certainly don’t. i definitely don’t. but i should and i will but i don’t. i just don’t think i can look at myself and say heal when the world is wounded way more than i am. the people i live in the same house with matter more than i do. they come first. they’ve always come first. and i go last or not at all.

that’s really bad isn’t it. i need to practise what i preach, i’m always telling people heal thyself, it’s you first, love yourself ... but what about me? no no it’s too selfish, the weight of the world depends on me to lift them up.

but i can’t do everything on my own, but i’ll try and i can’t save everyone, but i’ll try. but i can’t. even if i try.

i want to cry but i don’t know if i’m crying because i can’t help everyone or because i can’t help me. what’s wrong with me ? you see this. this whole expression sounds so selfish. all i can think about are the problems the issues the unfair unjustified world with people going through so much, families and friends going through so much. so who am i to write about me.

me? who? me. who.

i live “peaceful” with water, shelter, food, family, friends ... i’m chatting shit. this expression shouldn’t be aloud for people like me who live like me who can laugh like me who can see like me who can be like me.

me? who? me. who.

the truth is. recently i’ve been scared in my own house and the signs show. i call my mum everywhere i go every min to make sure she’s safe and alive i don’t know why i think otherwise. i make sure i shut myself away sometimes but that’s okay sometimes because i just need me sometimes. i scared for my little brother, we don’t live with our dad you see and little boy needs his farther that’s the key, the key to a man to teach learn and experience, and of course a man needs the natural aspects of a women as well to be free.

speaking of free. that’s what i am. yet i have a problem? what’s wrong with me

me? who? who. me.