My Dream Come True and My Worst Nightmare

Sometimes in dreams your who you promised to be and the life and the plans we made became reality. The side of you that made me fall so deeply is there and the man who shattered my soul, broke my spirit, and changed the person I was inside never existed and never ruined the destiny my heart so desired. The tragedy of losing our babies never happened and our family came together and made the life we had pictured before your brokenness showed its ugly side. Opening my eyes from my slumber I am reminded of all the loss that came through you. My babies given then taken away from me and the coldness you showed when you left and turned away from me, the numbness that filled me taking me into the dark abyss where time froze and stood still. The grief and sorrow continued to build and covered me taking my breath away and the person I used to know. I despise you for so many reasons; the promises pledged, the betrayal of my trust, and the abuse of my heart. But with that said the love for the man you could never be and the love you didn't have the ability to show. Because of you parts of me are gone and I will never be who I was before we came together. When you left it tore me apart I grieved for the man you could have been but I rejoiced in my freedom. The day finally came where you reached out to me again and it took all the strength I had to left to close the door and using that power turned away from you. I released myself from you and opening my cage found my wings finally freeing me from the chains that bound my heart. I said goodbye and chose me for once. Forgiveness is something I work on to help me understand and heal the wounds that devastated me and all that I am. Hoping to find release and the happiness that I deserve that will always be tainted by the loss of my children who I carry in my heart and not in my arms.