My beautiful (im)perfect body

This body stands, I, myself stand in front of the mirror.

Once again I cannot look away.

Not because I like what I see. But because it could be better.

***

My gaze flickers up and down in terror,

lingering on the wrongs and every single inch of error.

***

Unacceptable!

***

The lifelong struggle against this shape and build, its lasting tussle for self-approval followed by guilt, like an opponent in the boxing ring, is staring right back at me.

***

And it's angry.

It's cold, it's mean,

and it's taken over, taken its course, you see?

***

I cringe in revulsion at the look of it.

I take the image I see, twisting and turning it,

trying to make it fit.

***

I rip it apart and put it back together.

See how long it will last this time, before the sutures snap from the pressure.

***

I pick it up and toss it in the air.

I watch how it lands, I want to see it crash, weeping in despair.

***

I seek so hard to deny the beauty it could present.

The beauty I could shine with.

I hiss ‘I hate you’, then cover it up, before tending to another myth.

***

I sneak past it for the remaining day without paying it any more attention.

Disregarded, uncherished, unnoticed, unmentioned.

The damage has been done. Mission accomplished for today.

What fun!

***

Until tomorrow when I, once again, have to disrobe, uncover my nemesis, and do it all over again.

…similar to marking off a task on a to-do list, ticking off ‘Have you caused yourself some pain yet?’

***

As I am lying in bed that night, torn between heavy and light, I twist my thumbs, not feeling right.

Maybe tomorrow won't be so bad.

Right?

Maybe tomorrow my reflection will be near to perfection?!

***

Acceptable!

***

Or maybe I will just be kind to myself! Yes, that's it. I could give it a go!

But before doubt could cease, I chuckle/cry myself to sleep.

Kudos to that joke. It's a good one!

Cause, that would be simply…

…unacceptable!

***

This unspoken, suppressed, ever so hurtful battle is only and solely mine, concealed from society, camouflaged by trained indestructibility, inexhaustibility, and felicity.

What irony!

***

It's me against perception, perception against perfection.

***

It is the silent enemy I daily fight, yet I obey and embrace it as if it is my knight.