Black Fog

In fleeting moments, I wonder what might have been.

The past forgotten and the future I have seen

Now my back is turned in silent ache,

And has been for a while, leaving me to break.

***

So I ran and faced a barrier, stopping me on my path, realizing that it was me,

that wall I had to conquer to be free.

And I did, at least for a while.

For a while I climbed, and fought, and forgave, and forgot, and tackled things with a smile.

***

In euphoric moments of my high Highs, I envision what life has left for me, endless possibilities of ‘what could be’.

And, I am pleased with what I see.

My mind is clear, my heart is hopeful

I am reaching for it, as if they are stars, so pure and beautiful.

***

But then… in dysphoric moments of my low Lows,

I remember and black fog settles around me.

I remember who I am, instantly finding myself in darkness and unable to see.

What ‘could be’ becomes a heavy feeling of ‘never will be’,

as I withdraw myself from this beautiful thought of what could have been reality.

***

In these euphoric moments of my high Highs, I envision bright summer days and fearless attachments, where trust outweighs being forgotten and where abandonment does not exist.

I imagine warm and truthful moments where love comes in a steady flow.

My smile is radiant , embraces others, my eyes are closed, not wanting to let go.

***

But then... in these dysphoric moments of my low Lows,

I remember and black fog settles around me,

instantly finding myself frozen in the abyss of mistrust, so dark and cold and lonely and far from free.

What ‘could be’ becomes the dreaded feeling of ‘never will be’,

as my mind, once again, isolates me from this beautiful idea of what could have been reality.