Missing in the Stars

Dear Jonathan,

I miss you.

I miss all those late night talks we never got. The ones where we'd joke around about girls your age and how many of them have crushes on you. The ones where you would tell me your biggest fears and dreams and we'd look at the stars together trying to ponder how we got where we are.

I miss your hugs.

The ones I never got when I had a hard day. The ones I would've given you every night before bed. The ones we both would've gotten from mom every night and fought to get there first. The ones where I would've poked your sides to tickle you and then run away from your revenge.

I miss seeing you grow taller than me.

That day when I would've come home from work to hear a man and then find out it's you, still boyish in nature but taller and stronger than you've ever been before. (Notice I skipped over the phase of your life where you have voice cracks, because those are embarrassing. you're welcome)

I miss the day when I would've called you late at night to congratulate you on the birth of your first daughter and tell you that I better get to hold her first because I'm your favorite sister and therefore her favorite aunt.

I miss having barbecues with you and your family and me and my family. I miss you and my husband laughing together about the stupid jokes you like that your wife and I both hate, so we roll our eyes at you in that affectionate way.

I miss you being here to hold me when our brother Joshua died. To tell me that he's okay. To tell me that God is with him and he's safe. But I guess if I'd had you here, Josh wouldn't have had you there. And maybe he needs you more.

But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Missing you.

Sometimes I wonder what you do up there. Wonder if you're laying there thinking about what I do down here. If you really were there when my heart first broke and I felt as though you heard me. If you were there when I cried in the shower wondering how life could go on when I hated it so much that I wished I could die.

Sometimes I wonder if you listened all those times I ran to your grave and wailed on the ground, trying to reach you. If you really did give me the hug that I thought I felt from you. Sometimes I wonder if you laugh at the stupid things I do. Like when I fall up the stairs and think the earth moves around the sun once every day.

I wonder a lot of things. But mostly, I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you.

Love,

Your sister Emma