May 11, 2019

The rain was fearsome, the way the streets were flooding from the storm, you and I rushed out your old red Mazda, running into a hotel down highway 59. It wasn’t the first time we had set foot in this hotel, but it was our last.

It was May of 2019, the 11th to be precise. I was turning 19 in just a month, and had decided I was moving to another city to “Grow up”. Feeling smothered by my mother, and her over the top religious beliefs. I was leaving tomorrow, 10am. I would be out that door, not looking back at the toxic environment I lived in for 18 years. I made some excuses, saying I was going to spend the night with a friend. What could she do? I was leaving in the morning.

You booked a room, spent one hundred and twelve dollars on a night, I remember thinking, “I hope his father doesn’t find out.” But you paid in cash, so maybe we over thought it just a little, even though we were both legal age. That's what happens when you live in a religious household, you sneak around to make love to the man you lost your virginity to, just a couple months prior. At least that was my excuse.

The room was dark, the air conditioning was set to 66 degrees, the guest before us must have run hot, I thought. Shivering from the rain that soaked our clothes, and seeped deep into our skin. Chuckling and grinning from ear to ear. I won’t lie, we danced in the storm, knowing lightning was coming down, I don’t think we cared very much. It was one of our last good days anyway.

We stripped our clothes, jumping into the hot shower without a word. His hands slowly drifted down my skin, the way he leaned down to my short stature, placing his chin on the crook of my neck. Nuzzled in so cheekily, it was our safe haven. The lights were off as we walked inside the room, wrapped in a towel, the moonlight peeking through the curtain, you could see the goosebumps on our skin from the moonlight, little peach fuzz saying hello to yours, intertwining as our lips introduced themselves once again, 2 years we had been together yet it felt like the first time, each time we became entangled with one another. It almost felt like a movie I had seen before, when the man and woman make love all night with the moon watching. But the thing is, I hadn’t seen a movie like that, it was our movie, our story, our love that I had seen unfolding in front of me.

You placed your cold hands on my waist, leaning down to show me how much you will miss me when I leave in the morning. Wishing we would have just ran away and gotten married. His eyes are a dark brown, mine being as emerald as the gem, but somehow his eyes shined brighter when lacing his hands with mine. I could hear his thoughts,

The way his eyes screamed,

“Mi Amor, don’t go.”

Mine screamed even louder shouting,

“Baby come with me, we will figure it all out.”

But in the end, we didn’t actually say it, because the tears pouring out said it for us. It was the way you gently laid me down, crawling in between my legs, your tongue whispering to my entrance to open up my heart for you once more, to let you take a permanent place of residence, almost as if you didn't already.

The “I love you’s” that your kisses spoke, down my skin, to the tips of my fingers. I didn’t need to hear you say it, yet I wish I had now that I look back. But I think you were just trying to save us from the pain, even though the pain came in regardless after our last good day together.

The night consisted of us breathing into each other's lungs, and crying into each other's embrace, the way your hands squeezed mine each time you dipped yourself into me. We came undone over and over throughout the night, falling into each other time and time again. Begging for another touch, another kiss, another lick down our bodies, your tongue telling me how much you need me to stay, and how much I need you. We shivered and twitched, feeling my back arch after another intense climax, my toes curling as my legs were wrapped around your waist, my breast rubbing on your chest, my skin telling you I would miss the warmth we shared, coming undone once again, spilling your seed into me to remind me in the morning who owned me, climaxing until we fell asleep. Waking up at 2 in the morning to do it all over again.

I leaned down, letting my tongue show you how I want you, the tears streamed down my cheek, I started to taste your sweet pleasure, and my own tears. “Did you stay here, just to break me?” I thought.

You rubbed the salty water pouring out of my eyes, as I still had you in my mouth, twitching and shuddering, becoming so sensitive to each touch. This had to be at least the fourth time you had climaxed, feeling your body overstimulating. You began to cry, coughing on your saliva lightly, “Why must you leave?” Your hands say, pushing my head down to take you in further.

I wanted the moon to see us in love one last time. We stood up, bare, swaying in each other’s arms, your forehead placed on my shoulder. Sniffles coming from the both of us.

“We should play jazz music when we get married.” My fingers said dancing on your bicep. The way I had soft instrumental jazz playing as we lied down, and my fingers matched the pace of the piano.

“I am not going to let you leave” your legs said to mine as you wrapped them around me. “I have to. I am doing this for us.” My womanhood said to your manhood as I let you enter me again. There was nothing else left to say, even if we didn’t say anything. You couldn’t convince me to stay, and I couldn’t convince you to come.

We stayed in ecstasy for hours, until the sun peeked through, and you had grabbed our things. We had a quiet breakfast, exchanging desperate looks, looks of betrayal, looks of want, looks of love.

3 years had passed since the last night we spent together, that rainy May that brought us closer than we ever were. In some love-sick way, we found ourselves back together. I had packed my things in the city I lived in for the last 3 years, and moved right back to spend eternity with you. You declaring we are meant to be, everyone else has been a distraction, a mere “pass of time.”

I sat on top of you, letting the rhythm take over my body, your hands gently on my waist, helping me please you one last time. At least you knew it was the last time,

I did not.

You kissed down my neck, leaving marks all over it, to remind me who made love to me, and who also left me on that chilly March 21st, Your eyes looking up and down my body, looking up into my eyes, you had tears come down, “Why are you crying?” I thought, kissing you to remind you I was right here to stay, I had moved back after securing a career, yet here you were crying. We had been together for 3 months already, yet here you were crying.

Your tears were telling me you were about to break my heart. Your tears were warning me, crying out the words you were going to say, eight hours later. Your tears trying to tell me before your words did, the only words you actually said, that my eyes could not read, that my eyes could not hear, the tears that I did not fucking understand.

“You are just not enough for me to stay.”

And there you were, married to another woman a couple months later. Married and showing her off like your brand new toy. Your bride, your one and only, the woman you chose to spend eternity with, after begging me to move back to the city I never wanted to be in. The roads I drove, that reminded me of us, the way the restaurants we used to eat at, spoke and said, “Do you remember this taste? Doesn’t taste as pleasant as it did when you were with him.”

Your eyes sparkling in each photo that you posted on social media, shouting, “she was enough for me to stay.”

“You are just not enough for me to stay.”

I reminded myself of the words you said, and the words that your tears said, I just didn’t know it at the time.