Luna Nera

“ To appreciate the light we must first learn to fall in love with our night”

- Me to myself three days ago when I was crying for no apparent reason



Lately I’ve been wondering what love even is

Or if I’ve ever really experienced it in its truth from another

For most of my life love was something I needed protection from

It was a poison masked in the disguise of care

A tincture of manipulation and control

Delicately stirred into my tea and gently folded into birthday cakes and family meals

It became an acquired taste

Love meant I couldn’t be myself

That I would have to sacrifice much needed parts of my identity

That being seen and heard was a battle I know I’d lose before even walking into

Love was easily confused with approval

Love said things like:

“There’s something wrong with you!”

“You’re too much”

“I need you to shut up and do what I say!”

“That’s not good enough”

Love made these words part of my essence

Weaving them into the fabric of my being and calling it personality

Love believed I was not good enough

Not wise enough

Not beautiful enough

Not enough.

Love sent me out into the world asking for a cheap price

From the time I could walk I was spoon fed shame, guilt, and fear

These were love languages

The only frequency my ears could recognize

Love said if you fear it that means you’ll never get hurt

If you stay small enough you’ll be safe locked away in your tiny box

Today I see that love was very

Very

Wrong

Today love listens to her own voice

She yells “get fucked!” when she’s told she can’t sing

Today love feeds and nourishes her body

She tells her vessel it is strong and beautiful and thanks it for getting her this far

Today love chooses to look through the lens of compassion and grace

She recognizes a cup full of poison with keen awareness

Now love says things like:

“You’re so beautiful!”

“I’m really grateful for you”

“Your energy and time is a gift!”

Love shows up for her

Tuning into laughter and making room for play

Prioritizing freedom, self expression, and creativity

Love understands the value of her heart could buy the whole planet

Today she fully and without a doubt sees she is love

She has always been its embodiment

She had just been tucked away for safe keeping all this time

Hidden under the layers created to protect her from the trauma

The gentle, steady beat was simply unable to be heard above the symphony of venom

Real love was always there

Waiting to grow and be nurtured

Waiting for her to one day dial down the noise and listen

She was once afraid that the silence would be too deafening

But then

Buh-bum.

Buh-bum.

Buh-bum.

Buh-bum.

She finally takes a full breath

Exhales

Blinks open her eyes

“Ah.”

The corners of her lips softly turning up

“There you are.”