Lucky

I have been told my life is easy

Sometimes I agree

Sometimes I feel like I'm spiraling over little things

and repeating the same journey

Some say lucky

My mom calls me blessed

She's encouraged me to encourage myself

but sometimes I feel my happiness is forced

Like a script rehearsed on a stage

Always for the audience never for the actor

Enjoyment for me is plenty of laughter

But why don't they see that laughing doesn't mean

I'm truly happy

Why don't they see I'm laughing because I'm simply

Hiding from silence

Judgement and reality

I don't understand

If I have no reason to

be sad

be angry

or confused

Then what am I?

Then why wasn't I just born like emotionless?

Why don't you see that everytime you say I have no good reason to feel how I feel

that it makes me feel that my feelings are invalid

And if that's true

then what's the point in doing anything

Or going anywhere to achieve anything

I don't understand why you tear my down

just to tell me I need to pull myself back up

I don't understand why you do that repeatedly

I don't understand why you don't realize that you might be tearing me down more than you think

So low that it's hard to get up

So low that it's evident there's no chance I'll make it because I know I will ruin it all ,and now it won't be long before I fall

Why don't they ever think that I can't be like them, and it's not something I strive to do

Why don't think consider that maybe it's not something I was made to do

Yes, I am so lucky

to be who I am

But you don't make me feel that way

when I am misunderstood in my own home

So lucky I misunderstand myself

which makes me not sure of myself

Even when i was very certain before

Before I was asked more and more ridiculing questions

By them and myself

and you

So damn lucky

and so god damn blessed

That I have been told my life is easy and I agree

Because I feel like I'm spiraling over little things

and repeating the same journey

I bet when I finally break

(Only out in public next time)

They'll say "See I told you...

She's out of her mind

it's not our fault she does this all the time"

See i'm just a show

For you all to rate and review

So clap or yell boo

And whatever else you feel justified to do

Because now I realize

My feelings are fleeting

and have no meaning to you

and they never will

so I might as well stop trying

to prove myself