Lover from Long Past

Lover from long past, how are you doing now I wonder? Does your long hair still brush the chair when you sit down? Do you still have the same laugh as I remembered from high school? Have you... got married... and have a soulmate and sweet children to put a smile onto your face every hour of the day?

Lately, I chanced upon a poem by Ono No Komachi, a legendary gentle lady from 9th century Japan. It was a love poem that reaches deep into the heart and mind of the poet, and of the readers. It was a love poem that bleeds the longing for love from reality into a dream and from the dream back to the real world.

Thinking about you,

a dream takes me to your side.

Only if I knew

That tis naught but a dream,

I would never open my eyes.

(omoi tsutsu

nereba ya hito no

mie tsuramu

yume to shiriseba

same zarama shio)

I was stunned by the poem when I first read it. This poem was regrettably short like a sweet dream. And when I awoke from its spell, my mind could hardly comprehend that tingle on the tip of my tongue from which the syllables had rolled down. Maybe it was like a sip of green tea, the slight bitterness sloshes around the mouth at first but its warmth eventually brings about a sweet tang. Or maybe it's like a sip of tequila, igniting the body and soul through and through.

You see, to dream about love is not merely to crave love. To dream, to sleep on something, to remember, to imagine, to theorize, and of course, to feel love in love's absence... That is the beauty of this poem. Such simple lines yet they evoke a million different images both real and imagined, familiar or possibly estranged. What's more inspiring to me is how her words are able to reach beyond any boundaries divine or otherwise. Time did not wash away her legacy. Culture did not isolate her emotions. And like so, I bathed in every syllable of this tanka and memorized its words.

That night, as if a spring were sprung from the depth of my soul, I dreamt of her. The girl that I fell in love with in my senior years in highschool, exactly a decade ago. Ah, it's been so long that I went from a youth to I-can't-believe-I'm-not-a-youth but even so I cannot forget the classes where I sat next to her.

Who remembers whether it was me or you that first poked their head over for a question, for a comment, for nothing but to announce our presence. Who knows what had us in giggles, maybe a pun, a poorly chosen word, or a shrewd observation? I'd forgotten so damned much but I remember clear as day your cheeky smiles, your sarcastic tone, and your masterwork doodles. I recall that when I sat behind you, your bow tie hair ribbon replaced all the CxHx and all the Benzene rings. What reaction pathways? I knew of only one path, to fall in love with you... What precious little I have kept from that blissful time... May my memory never fail me again.

May my memory never fail me again lest I forget that I was not good enough. You'd said I was bipolar and I scared you so much that you cried every day for some time. Of course, like a psychopath I've never taken notice of your grief. I am ashamed to say I felt more confused than ever when you let me know how traumatizing my presence was. I hope I've gotten a bit better but I feel it in my bones that I am still not good enough. Not having me in your life is good riddance I assure you most whole-heartedly. Still, you've decided to give me a chance near graduation time. But when I left for university, I fell head over heels for a most charming senpai who could speak volumes on everything and anything from philosophy to law to history to fashion to cuisine to... relationships... I thought I was no longer a restraint or a burden. I thought she was freedom, as if she were the Statue of Liberty. I took the easy way out and left you. Ha, as if by silencing the voice of dissent I can automatically fix the substance of my flaws! And of course, senpai turned out to be polygamist or at least have a taste for such. How funny, how ironic, how absurd, how well deserved. I was of course just a shackle, a hindrance to her pursuits.

Perhaps it was a fitting narrative then that we attended the summer firework show. I sat by you, with your family, the little 'uns excited to be at the beach, to feel the sand cushion their restless little feet. The sun was still up when we arrived and we spent our times chatting our idleness away. Alas, what were we talking about, my memory fails me yet again... And the time spent with you was always too short. Before I can even begin to appreciate our precious moment together, the Sun has made its exit with a graceful glow that lit up the sea. Or maybe it didn't, maybe the Sun plummeted straight into the sea. Why, why can't I remember the beauty of that moment! Why can't I remember the way you sat across from me or how you wore your smile? Why can't I remember what you said to me? All that I remember must have been the blanket we sat upon, a couple beach chairs we brought. Even the firework I could hardly remember, what colors were they. Whatever they were, they've already faded like the color of flowers... I recall though, there were some firework arranged in the shape of a smiley face. What an absurd mistake that was. The stars dispersed in the sky, exploding in a most broken smile. I know for a fact I made a snarky comment but did you laugh? Was I looking at the sky or your illuminated face... My memories of us were just an afterglow of a momentary brilliance in the sky before smoke descends as if at the end of a hazy sweet dream... How I wish I knew what love is. How I wish I knew how to love. How I wish I had more to show, to hold you through the night, to light a way for a weary, wandering soul. I'm sorry for any and all the pains I've caused... I'm sorry I'm still so far away from being anything of good value...

But I still have hope for myself because maybe that's all I have left. Thanks to my idiocy and incompetence, I've lost so much on my pursuit for true love. I've had so many regrets that I've stopped looking for love. But even on the off-road of a forgotten life, love's brilliance still shines to me. And being me, I'm on the very verge of losing that brilliance yet again. Ha, how funny, how ironic, how absurd, how well deserved. I've lost so much already and had so many regrets, now I have no choice but to search inwards and be better so as to not lose hope again. And maybe that's why I dreamt of you, my lover from long past, you who were the source of my aspirations and my fears. I won't let our memories fall into trivial oblivion. Though you may be far away and lost to me now, I will never forget that you had faith in me. I won't let that kindness be forgotten so I will inherit your faith. Where I've fallen before, I'll stand again, again, and again until the day I learn to navigate the ocean of life with its currents of love. Perhaps my promise to make you the happiest lady of all the lands was just a summer breeze by the sea but have no doubt that I've never wished you anything other than the best of the best. And in my dream when I met you, oh my dear. You wore a most beautiful bow tie hair ribbon with your flowing hair, you smiled at me, and you told me, you were getting married. Tis but a fancy of my mind but wherever you are out there and whatever you are doing, I hope with all sincerity of my heart that you have found genuine peace and happiness.

When I woke up, it was 4am. And I got up to write this little poem. It's of course as plain as my soul but I'm not afraid to show myself anymore. Let it be known to the world that I loved you!

Lover from long past,

We meet again soul to soul,

Though I knew it a dream,

Still I'll honor break of dawn,

While tears dry on my pillow.

For my readers, thank you for reading thus far. If you're an expert at Japanese, I'd love to see you translate this poem back to its native language. And for those who'd be interested to know more about tanka, please kindly use the link below!

https://nihongo-tanka-haiku-asaborake.com/%e8%8a%b1%e3%81%ae%e8%89%b2%e3%81%af%e3%80%80%ef%bd%9e-the-colors-of-the-flowers-change-%ef%bd%9e/