Lovebugs

My parents told me a story from way back when

I was so young, I couldn’t remember anything back then

They told a story about when I was young

Listening to their words, I took it like gold off their tongues.

They told me a story about my eyes being fixated

They told me a story about my heart being confiscated

We strolled through New York, a major city

Sure, the skyscrapers were nice, but I saw something, no someone else that was pretty

My parents told me that it seemed as if it were about a story of a knight and a maiden fair

They told me, “You raised your eyebrows at her, as she twisted her curly hair.”

They smiled and laughed to our interchange of your flirtations

If our parents’ smiles could be laughter, they would be quite the exclamation

We were at an age when we were still in strollers, we could barely walk

They thought I was entranced by her whim and hair, as my Mom called her “Goldilocks”

We parted ways, as our parents separated our strollers

Though, I wasn’t upset at the departure, my heart didn’t feel like it was crushed by a steam roller

Though we could barely talk, we both understood what I wished I could have told her

Yet, forever my parents will cherish that sweet memory of me, as if they stored it in a folder

A story to feed inquisitive minds about young love, a love story fodder

That story that told me was before I was barely just a toddler

As the years moved on I started my education

Focused on being a good student was my dedication

Though one day I did feel a strong surgence

I saw what appeared to me to be the most beautiful girl in the world, as she made her emergence

Every time I looked at her, the sunlight would hit her just right as she sat in her seat

Every time I would look at her, my chest would flutter as if I were playing tag, my heart would begin to beat

Her hair was brown and golden like that of a field full of wheat and flax

At times when I thought about her, I would be entranced, and had no recollection of the time that had elapsed

I remember one day I had walked out within the forest past my backyard I had picked for her wild flowers to make a crude bouquet

I had given them to her when I went to school the very next day

Sad to say, to my dismay, she was not rather affectionate about the wildflower display

However, if a gift of action wouldn’t work, maybe there was something else I could work with at play

I began to write a love letter, to her my feelings would I confess

I wrote about things I thought that would make me stronger and more resolute, like swimming the lengths and depths of Loch Ness

I wrote of tasks that a boy would only be capable of if he were the son of Jupiter

I wrote of phrases and tasks so demanding to oneself, that I hoped they would all seem new to her

I remembered like it was yesterday, I handed it to a girl to pass on to her, and she knew what I did with the smile that was on her head

When I asked my friend about how my crushed received it, I was heartbroken at what she said

My mind and spirit was broken, the two were jammed as if they were in a car crash

My female friend told me, “She threw it in the recycling bin, next to the trash.”

I scrambled, I hurried, to scavenge what was left of my pride

I found it crumpled. So straightening it out, I handed it to my crush. My emotions I could no longer hide.

Yet, to my crush, it seemed to be a game to play that she did not care

She didn’t even meet my gaze; as first she tore it in half, then she continued to tear

I learned, that no matter how much you love somebody, you’re not entitled to them loving you back, that’s a lesson that’s more than fair

Yet, whether or not to be emotionally honest was of my concern. I didn’t know if I could still have my heart on my sleeve, if it was something I should still wear

Alas, all that is worth more than its weight in gold does not glitter

Taking in this lesson would take time, as I began to grow sour and bitter

I remember my next crush didn’t come around until two years

The butterfly feelings I had for her were conquered on the dancefloor with the rest of my fears

I walked up to her, and my words must’ve been abrupt, as if I had spat.

‘Cause she had covered her mouth, and began to run this way and that.

Upon which she had stowed herself away, hidden in the ladies’ room

I was now the talk of the dance floor, as gossip begin to brew

I learned from that lesson, to have a good time, as the night was young as was I, and nothing was written in stone or set up to fate

Throughout the rest of the night I had a blast, as I danced with more than one man’s date

When I had moved to a different school, my heart began to move differently too

Along with the other students that I had seen, a young girl turned her attentions towards me since I was new

Not wanting to stir the waters, start drama, or be reactive, I tried my best to remain humble and meek

Though a big grin grew upon my face as she kissed her hand and placed her palm upon my cheek

Yet, even though she immediately showered me with that much of attention

Holding hers was a task I didn’t bother myself with, I shall not forget to mention

Another young lad had begun to give her problems, hence he began to give her chase

Since she did not give her heart to me, I allowed my heart to move on, and find another to take its place

For the next one was lean and lithe

She served Mass with me at the same Church where I would tithe

When racing around the track, running the laps, for me she did yell and cheer

When I had written a flowing river of words, she read them with interest that honestly seemed sincere

Often had I thought about what it would be like if we were to marry

It’s the little things that matter. I remember her favorite flavor of Jolly Rancher was the bright red cherry

I get it, I get it. You’re saying “Thavien, that means nothing to the readers or the poem’s appeal.”

I remember that whenever I gave them to her, her eyes would twinkle and she would make a high-pitch squeal.

I never chased after her later on. Sure, you can call me a fool.

For I remembered that my feelings of love died off as I had entered high school.

I remember when I was a little older there was a young lass, for me she did fall

However, sad to say, she was the type of girl to make my skin crawl

Though I did thank her for the modest compliments, her advances I did have to deny

Since she gave more than compliments, to me and my body did she objectify

It was not later that I learned, but it was made immediate to me too

She had also done so to several of my friends, even they didn’t know what to do

I hope she is well as she moves on to find love in her own life and may she be cheerful

May she find somebody to love that won’t fill her heart with sadness and make her eyes tearful

Though I do remember that later on there was one girl who sought for my affection

Allow me to go through the fond memories of her that I can muster within my recollection

She worked her way into my heart, as for her efforts she gave the best

An absolute cutie, when we danced, her head laid upon my chest

She wanted a nickname, something cute, bubbly, and silly

Since Bubbles didn’t work (she would giggle every time) I named her Tiger Lily

Since we were forbidden to date, she was always out of reach, so my heart did miss her

A small voice inside of my mind told me way back then that, “You should’ve kissed her.”

I hope to find another woman as perfectly imperfect as she made me feel on this planet

I remember that we made a joke to “Netflix and Pomegranate.”

Being that the fruit would take a long time to peel

She would then have the time to force me to sit down and watch all of the Star Wars reels

Ah, the time back then still feels so close, it’s all too real

Alas the story doesn’t stop here, now that the table’s have begun to flip

The next few encounters sent me for a trip

Yet, learning the lessons from them are important so they are stories that I shall not skip

Continuing on my journey to study and learn

I’ve come across types of people that will force you into relationships, the lessons and foresight in my mind have been burned

The first young woman was more than aggressive

She played passive games, and was overly possessive

During my time on campus she drove me crazy

Whether I had parked my car in the lot, was eating in the cafeteria, or was working out she would yell out my name followed with “baby”

One day I pulled her aside and told her that my feelings weren’t the same

She laughed it off, and even called me lame

Then her friends started to pursue me

I told them that what had occurred had made me uncomfortable. Yet, from conflict I would not flee

My parents told me that some ladies go to school to attain their “Mrs. Degree”

The last one made me irritated and mad for awhile

For the longest time I felt dirty, and that I couldn’t smile

I remember I was talking with a professor, and I regret the answer that I told her

When she butted in, I could tell by the look of lust in her eyes when she asked me the question, “Oh, so you’re older?”

One night while I was working on an important project, she asked me to help her with homework. Being that to many students I was a tutor

To her though, what she desired was for me to become her one and only suitor

I remember that night she asked to go back to my room with me to relax and just be in a moment of bliss

That was the night I was guilt tripped and peer pressured into giving her a kiss

I’m glad that I only went so deep, since I knew that going deeper would cause more self-hate

I’ve already been on a path of self-healing, long ago did I begin initiate

As a lesson, allow me to make it clear

Take this lesson to heart, I care for the humanity and dignity of others, as I hold such things dear.

Set up firm boundaries, and have your standards under review

The only person who can entirely ensure your own safety has your best interest at heart, is you

As I read the past that I have typed, it’s clear to see there’s one person’s love that I should desire alone

Each day, the practice of this love grows in magnificence, the fruit of my labors I continue to reap with the efforts I have sown

I relay this message to you, not to be selfish or for my own protection

The person whose eyes I’ve met “From Across the Room” reside within my own reflection

Yes, it is true. No, this message is not fake.

More than a dream, a living, waking experience, as I no longer gaze, but dive into the “Glass Lake.”

The feelings for myself, no longer can I deny.

As I fall in love with myself, I dive deeper and deeper into “God’s Eye”

Please, do not place me within the same box as Narcissus

It’s not pride nor is it hubris. Loving ourselves is in our nature, that it is a part of us.

Self-care, self-love, it’s more than just self-preservation.

To say that you love yourself, it’s not just looking into the mirror and making a vigorous declaration

If you want to love yourself, you recognize who you are and what you can control.

In order to love yourself, you accept yourself as who you are imperfectly. As this is part of becoming whole.

Yes, I may speak positively, but I'm not a record that’s been scratched and on repeat

Yet, all parts of ourselves, the light and the shadow deserve love and acknowledgement, one is not to put the other in a state of defeat

In order to “Live In Accordance With My Will”

In order to go to bed each night feeling more fulfilled

In order to feel less ill

In order to have the cup of blessings and value in my life overflow and help others to fill

As the value that I bring forth froths along the rim of my Chalice, and into theirs it does spill

No longer do I fight with myself, causing scarring damage, leaving my mind, body, and soul destitute

“Make Peace With Your Demons, Not War,” is what it means to have conflict resolute

I understand that when it comes to the understanding of myself, unlike others I may be less astute

To say that I love myself, is something that no one can refute

As I have learned to take care of my image, of my mind, of my soul

With which they reside within my body, a vessel, their temple, because if I don’t then the negative effects will begin take their toll

As I practice with more than common sense

It’s like the changing behaviors, good habits, and advice that I pick up, along with the “Chump Change.” That’s the other common cents

For when I do not love myself, I recognize that I will begin to fall into a slump

So, in continuing to love myself, I practice those efforts which have taken me from less than, and that will continue to turn me into someone who’s no longer a Chump

Yes, there are times where I do feel stressed, sad, and depressed. Just down in the dumps.

Yet, I will continue since each new low has an even higher high, I know that I will eventually reach the crest of the new hump

I shall not leave myself to gather dust, even if I am but ashes, sitting upon a shelf

I shall live and love my life proactively as best as I can

Why? “Because I Love Myself”