Love At First Dream

The light inside me had been dimmed almost to nonexistence.

The hate he made me feel for myself was so deep that I did not think there was any light left.

The fuel was gone.

When I left him, I was finally free.

Free from feeling like I was trapped in the dark with no hope of ever seeing light again.

I realized that there was hope for my light to come back, but I felt guilt for being responsible for letting it die out.

I blamed myself for the way I let him snuff me out.

Still somehow a hopeful romantic, I dreamed of you.

I could feel your arms around me when you held me.

I looked up past your big shoulders and strong chest to your light red hair and blue eyes.

In the dream I could not see your face clearly, but it was a warm, loving glow.

I felt sure I would know you when you held me.

You sat waiting for me anxiously twirling your glass.

Putting my nerves aside, I confidently walked up to you and said ‘Hey’.

As you stood up, I looked up at your face as you nervously hugged me.

I came up to your chest and looked up past your big shoulders to you light red hair, red beard, and light blue eyes.

I looked at your smile.

Your nervousness to hold me too tight.

To want to hold me too long.

I looked into your eyes.

I felt safe.

I felt home.

It was you.

And I instantly felt like I had known you for a lifetime.

As I stared endlessly into your eyes, your soft and sweet, yet intense and strong eyes, you probably wondered what I was thinking.

I was terrified to tell you.

I did not want to get ahead of myself.

So terrified to be broken.

To let my guard down.

To scare you away.

As I stared, the world around us fell away.

I stared into your eyes, and I suddenly saw you in a suit.

Looking down at me like I was the most prized possession you’ve ever held in your hands.

Your lips curled up into the biggest grin.

Your eyes lit up into a smile.

The dark sky around us broke into sunlight.

I saw flowers hanging above your head.

Same gaze, still holding me, ready to kiss me.

I am going to marry this man I thought as I saw myself in white.

This will be my husband I thought as you leaned in and kissed me.

I was done for.

I thought about how glad I was to have taken a chance on talking to you.

I thought about how thrilled I was that you ended up even more lovable in person.

I thought about how we would never have nothing to talk about.

I thought about how safe I felt with you in my life.

I thought about how the world melted away when you hugged me.

I thought about how excited I was to keep laughing with you.

I thought about how much I wanted to be held by you forever.

I thought about how much I wanted to kiss your forehead and lips sweetly.

I thought about the chills you gave when you smile at me.

I thought about how much I wanted to dance with you.

I thought about how much I wanted to be only yours and how much I wanted you to be only mine.

I thought about how I wanted to let myself fall in love with you.

I thought about how scary that is.

I thought about how lucky I was to have met you and how scary it is to try not to mess it up.

You reminded me that there was a glow illuminating from inside me, even though I was too doubtful to honestly believe it.

Meeting you was an instant surge of light, but I was not in a place that I could believe that the light was still actually coming from me and was only being magnified by you.

I assumed that I was still hopeless and that you were the only light in the room.

When you left I was devastated.

Partly because I had adored you so quickly, but mostly because I felt like I did not deserve someone that gave me something so powerful.

I did not feel butterflies with you so much as a gentle wave of calm somehow mixed with a surge of energy.

I wanted you, but I also wanted what I thought you were giving me.

My shine back.

When you left, I spent time sifting through a mess.

I knew I was not ready,

I hoped that I would someday be back in your arms.

I hit rock bottom and finally admitted to myself that he hurt me.

He broke me down so badly and I did not realize how his words of hatred became my words.

His thoughts of disgust became my thoughts.

You were never going to give me my shine back.

Then it would not be mine.

I needed to understand that it was stolen and accept that it was not my fault.

I needed to get my shine back.

And I did.

It is not perfect, maybe just a little glow, but it’s there.

And it is mine.

And then you.

You again and again appeared in my life.

You turned me on in so many more ways than you can even imagine.

You made my heart want to accept love again.

You made my body want to be held again.

Most importantly you turned me on in my brain.

You inspired me to write, to be passionate, to learn, to be witty.

You turned on something in me that he never even knew existed.

I shine.

And my sweet, YOU remind me to shine brighter.

Each time I see you, it is love at first dream all over again.