Losing You

I wondered what my life is without you in it.

The trembling of my hands as I try to grasp your cold ones. My scarf muffling the cries of anguish. "I can't do this without you. I can't live without your skin against mine, your hand entwined with mine, your breath against mine." I whisper against your chest, as it exhaled slowly. I needed you there to comfort me and tell me everything will work out fine, but you weren't here.

It was a snowy cold December morning, and you never came home that morning, it was only after your mom called me, I put on my winter gear and came here. You were laying on the hospital bed beside me, with tubes running in and out of you. I wish that I could take it all back, tell you I love you one last time, but the last thing you heard me say was "come back and say it to my face coward" right before you walked out the door of our apartment. Is that how I will always remember our last moments, how four years of love and respect went down the drain in a week.

I tried. I tried so fucking hard. I loved you with everything I had, and you knew it. God, you knew it. You knew one day I would say yes to your proposal, but I was the true coward. Seeing marriages around me failing, I knew I couldn't make that kind of commitment. However, I knew we were committed because we loved each other, and we lived together, but you wanted more. You wanted the joint chequing accounts, the big house with the high ceilings, the kids, the retirement, the laughs, the fights, the long mornings, the long nights, and everything in between. You wanted so much more that I could give you, but more than that, you wanted me. I love you, and I would give anything to feel your heart beating against mine.