Locked up in a Box

My voice has been taken away from me,

You want me to share my thoughts,

But I have to lock them up in a box,

And thrown away the key,

You see,

I am afraid of your mental stability,

And how that is reliant on me,

I was what kept you balancing,

You say it is not,

But look where we stand,

Me rushing to your door demanding,

For you to listen to me,

To not take the air that you breathe,

For this not to be the last day that I see you,

I am not giving you the right to choose,

I am not giving myself the option of losing you,

Not in that way,

You want me to feel genuine,

But how am I supposed to spin,

All the damage that has happened,

All the words that you have spilled,

All the suicide notes you have sealed,

How am I supposed to unsee it, un feel it,

Act like it wouldn't just slit me right down the middle,

I have to keep my thoughts away from you even more than before,

Because I walked out that door,

Stepped away from us,

Told you the truth about where lies my trust,

And you threatened that you had enough,

enough pain,

enough burden,

enough of all that is hurting,

and you wanted to end it,

Wishing me a good life, spilling words that are definite,

I don't know if I am stupid for running to your aid,

dropping everything to make sure you are okay,

But this is not the answer to the end of your life,

I am not going to be the one who hands you the knife,

And tell you to go ahead,

Say that you would be better off dead,

No falser words have been said,

But I can't be dragged back through this again,

Every time you feel this way,

Just to act when I get there that everything is okay,

That you weren't saying your goodbyes over the phone,

When I am 40 minutes out from your home,

I can't do this,

And I shouldn't have to,

I don't know whether to hold tight till you claim you're okay,

Reassure my thoughts that you will get through the next day,

Or actually walk away,

Because I do not deserve to be a part of your final explosion,

I don't deserve to be dragged through that emotion,

when I did everything that I could make you see a future for yourself,

But there is only so much I can help,

If you won't help yourself,

You seem to need me,

I need you to find your own path of happy,

Something to believe,

Because I want nothing more than to watch you achieve,

everything you dream,

But right now, you can't see that,

So, for me there is only one way to act,

I have to keep my feelings aside,

Keep them hidden deep inside,

In some situations, probably lie,

lock them in that box nice and tight,

Until you can remember your reason to fight,

Because I don't want a life that you're not alive.