Where is home?
They say that home is where family is, but how older i am, i'm not sure if this is true. When you are girl and start growing up, you realize, that nothing is how you though that is going to be. When you were seven, you wished to be older. You've been seeing a teenage groups and being excited to be exactly like them. Now when you are in teenage years you see that, nothing is like you were expecting. School was fun when you were younger, you were excited to see your friends and learn new things, but now school seems like prison. You wasting your time here to learn things that you'll never use, but you have to know them, because if you don't you'll get bad grade and your father will get mad, because all he cares about is your grades. You used to be daddy's little girl, but now you just wish he would be nicer to you. Relationship with your father is your first relationship with man, no other man is supposed to love you more than your father, but actually your father was yours first heartbreak. He said things that father should never say to his own daughter. Your mother loved you, she still does, but she would love you more if you were according to her ideas. She wants you to be good at school, not doing bad stuff, dress how she wants, look how she wants, but even if you would do everything she wants you'll still not be enough for her. The relationship between mother and daughter is very difficult than between mother and son. Relationship between mother and son will be always better than mother and daughter. Mothers always like sons more. You come home from school tired, just want to go to bed and sleep, but when you tell this to your mother she just keep saying, from what, all you doing is sleeping all the time you can't be tired, stop pretend and start doing something, meantime your brother is playing video games and scream because he loose his game and don't care about anything else. You go upstairs to learn stuff to school so you can get a good grade and your father won't get mad at you. After hours you come downstairs to help your mother in kitchen or anything and you just caught her drinking wine again, because of your dad again, so you just clean the kitchen get some food and go upstairs again, meantime your father come home, take beer and go watching tv and yell at your mother for something again. The other day your friend bring you to their house and you realize how family should looks like. Their parents are in love, they don't yell at each other, they care about each other, they're helping each other, they care about their children. It's the exact opposite of your family. Their home is home for children with happy childhood. Your family is broken and you know that, you just didn't want to admit it. It's weird to see other kids that are truly happy, that don't have to pretend they are happy. You don't know what to do with your life. You're so sad that you don't want to be there anymore, but you can't just go and then you start self-harm and you're surprised how much you feel better now. You keep doing it every single time you feel bad, now you have scars all over your body. On your arms, on your thighs, on your stomach. Once your wounds heal and become scars, they won't stay the same for very long. They disappear almost as soon as they heal, so you don't have to worry about someone seeing them. You started talking to new girl in your school and found out, that she's more mentally unstable than you. She don't have the same problems as you, but she feels the same as you, so she gets you like no one else does, more than your best friend. Your best friends's family is more than opposite of yours family so she can never gets you, she can never understand the pain that you have, because her parents care about each other and care about their children. Your new friend is actually doing a something more that helps her, not just self-harm. You went with her out instead of yours afternoon class. She took you to her place. She offered you to smoke and drink with her. You weren't even little bit sure with that but than you remember how's your life doing and you agree. It was your first time smoking weed, actually first time smoking anything like this and you don't know what is this gonna do with you but you were sure with that, you want to do it. You felt so weird, you didn't know if you like it or not. Actually you didn't feel nothing. You like this feeling like nothing before. She took the bottle and handed it to you, here, drink it, you'll feel more better trust me. I trusted her and started drink it. I think i drank too much but i didn't care about it and she was right a i felt good like never before. It was six o'clock pm and i realize i should be at home a hours ago. I packed my things and went home. When i get home, my mother was drinking again how she usually does and my father started yell at me, where the hell were you, as like he cares, he cares only because he hasn't dinner, that was only thing he actually cares about. You went upstairs and start realize what you did right now, but then you remember how good you feel now. This becomes a little routine. You started doing this more and more and you found piece in it. You totaly forgot about self-harm and keep doing this. You knew this is not the right thing that you should be doing but you didn't actually care, you just know that after this stuff you feel really good. You knew this isn't the right way to solve your problems, but you knew that this is the only way how to forget about them.
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