If you’re better off without me, then why are you now so sad?
Neither you, nor I, ever freed ourselves,
from the chains that bind us,
Not to one another, but to our own beliefs and fears so far removed from logic and reason,
Yet so intrinsically ingrained they were as much a part of us as our arms and legs
I’ve been so damn close to cutting myself free….
But it’s a process, it’s a process, it’s a process.
The traumas from a distant past - we could’ve healed together,
All we needed was time to see ourselves through one another’s eyes.
Abolishing the attachment I had - of needing you, to be happy and whole.
The isolation of holding on to ‘us’,
Ate my soul and punctured my heart,
Robbing me of a million present moments –
Yearning for a future that never existed beyond the imagined.
I had to remember to enjoy the present moment - because that’s all we’ll ever have.
I remembered what I’d tell myself years before we met,
Like everything in life, it was a choice all along to live in the moment,
To choose to happiness over grief.
I chose to forgive myself, knowing I did the best I could with what I had at the time,
I wish I’d given thought to what I was doing before I made those mistakes,
I wish you could understand muscle memory was never a reflection of you, me or us.
After the lessons have been learned, their regrets belong in the bin,
In its place, I chose gratitude - for what was and what I have now.
We all fuck things up, those thoughtless actions don’t define who we are.
I’ve since remembered I was always enough.
Don’t we all let go only once we realise the pain of holding on is far greater than the pain of letting go?
Thank you anxiety
Thank you fear
Thank you loss
Thank you grieving process
Thank you heartbreak
Thank you for teaching me to be a better listener
Thank you for showing me what love really is
Thank you for making me a better man
Thank you for all of life’s lessons
I had to cut off every momento, every memory,
Purposefully forgetting how it came to be,
That all of these parts of you had now become parts of me.
I needed to do so, to set myself free, to let myself grow.
I stopped fighting, I waived the white flag,
I chose to surrender, and allow life to be.
Maybe you cut off all the parts of me that had become part of you,
Much sooner than I ever could.
I still don’t understand, being best friends one day,
Then the next – never seen or heard again.
I guess I’ll never understand that,
But time will devour that which reason cannot,
It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I’ve taken my medicine.
The moment I let go, was the moment…. I began to heal.