Letters To My Lover. 2

Letters To My Lover. 2 - THE SHOE

There was a package that was wrapped in blue. My birthday, the day before my birthday actually, but, I am a grown adult and I will open my presents whenever I want!

So, there was a package wrapped in blue, and when opened it revealed another box in white. When opened it revealed,.. two shoes.

They were light but not too light, heavy but not too much. They were very shiney. Shiney black shoes, it was an odd present I thought.

Personal.

Intimate, but they were the exact shoes I'd picked out months before. Maybe not the exact pair but very very similar to the style I had been discussing some months prior. My lover had found them, said I'd look great in these. I agreed, I would. I looked forward to wearing them in the summer.

But the summer came and went, arguments came and went, lovers...went.

These shoes were not for me.

My ex lover, he was a kind man, a gentle and a good man, but he was not always the best at keeping administrative things in check. So I knew, that these fine slender tools of sexual desire were not intended for me. His absent mindedness had placed his current sexual activities vibrantly not only in my thoughts but also directly in my hands. Black slim lined and sharp.

They were streamlined like steel, black sharp edges and a steep, steep arch. These were intimate things. The shoes of a lover. These were not the shoes that a woman walks around in, very far. She may enter the room, she may take a seat but they designed for when a woman decides to throw her slender legs up into the air. These were the shoes of lust, of those sharp edged heels wrapping around her lover’s head, scratching his back just that little too much, but not quite enough.

I held this shoe and realized very clearly, these were a gift for two… and you see, I was only one.

So, I saw her in these shoes. I imagined her perfectly young physcique. Unmarked, unstretched from full adult life just yet. I imagined her joy and the sounds of her desire. I know his actions well, I know what he likes and I know what he likes to do and I saw it all …..attached to these shoes.

As I held them in my hand.

As I stood in my bedroom a day before turning one year older, my mind was full of images of these exact shoes up in the air, curled around his neck, gently scraping down his back. I saw these shoes upon her feet and I saw his joy.

And then, my dear birthday friends, I realized.

Perhaps these shoes were meant for me after all, for they came to me in time for the day of celebration. They were my exact size and they were the exact same shoe he had picked out for me just some months before.

He was a man of habit, I now realize,.. I see that I was just one.

I have been graceful and kind. I have been patient and wise. I have sat in the zone as new lovers were weighed up and I was compared. I sat and held space, I waited to see without any urgency.

But now, I am done.

So I will wear these shoes on my next covort and I will wear them free. I will cleanse my mind of thoughts of the two of them and I will focus on my new found place. I am growing and I have outgrown. I need more than just these toys.

Shoes are nice. But the love I seek is more. My love will hold my hands in times of stress even when I fight it, they will stay. Even when I say “fuck you!" as I stubbornly slam into the next room, they will know me. They will be strong enough to know me, to know that I am stubborn, I am proud, I am resilient and I am strong. Sometimes this may clash but most of the time, it flows in love. When a bad times comes in amidst years of good, it is not the time to run, to flee.

My next love will understand a deeper love and they will understand.. me.

So my ex lover may replace these shoes and enjoy the ups and downs of new lover scratches on his back.

I will continue to grow and one day find my love, who will stand by me.

To hold my hand, caress my neck and let me fall asleep on his lap.

He will also throw me against the wall in passion and maybe even ask me to wear something a little risqué.

Well now, I have one more pair of black hard lined heels to wear upon my own slender legs as I throw them back up into the air.

One day.

@helenamay_ruminations