Letter 09/03/21

09/03/21

Dear Unnamed,

I love you and I miss you, but I am still angry with you. You killed yourself 5 and a half years ago now. You left us. You left me.

I hate being angry with you. It feeels disrespectful to be angry with someone who is dead and can’t defend themselves. I would say I shouldn’t be angry, but I’m trying to remove “should” and “shouldn’t” from my vocabulary like my therapist. But should and shouldn’t aside, how I feel is how I feel, and I feel angry.

I know maybe it’s not fair to be angry with you. I know you wouldn’t have left us if you felt like you had any other choice. I know you must’ve felt trapped and alone to get to that point. I know how it feels. I know what it feels like to be alone and trapped in your own head and feel like a burden. But I was always there.

I know maybe that doesn’t mean very much because I was a child or your granddaughter or whatever reason you had. But I haven’t been a child in such a very long time— not really. Or maybe you simply felt like a burden and didn’t want to ask for help, but I would’ve dropped everything for you.

I’ve wanted to kill myself more times than I can say. I fooled myself into believing it wouldn’t hurt anyone. Then you chose to leave me and taught me I was an idiot if I thought it wouldn’t hurt anyone. As much as I want to die a lot of the time, I don’t think I’ll ever kill myself because I love them and respect them enough to not hurt them like you hurt me and dad. I think that’s why I’m angriest— because I feel like you must’ve not truly loved us if you were willing to hurt us in the way you did. But I still love you and always will.

Love,

Yours