Kintsugi

I told myself to stop

But I couldn’t

I loved the rush

The feeling of life running through my blood

Even if it was only temporary

Only an illusion

Only a feeling

Nothing real

You were nothing real

I was never real

We were never real

Only a figment my mind concocted to extend its lust for life

You were the best figment, not gonna lie

It was the only one that made me laugh, made me smile

And feel enough to cry

In my mind you showed me life

But it’s only now that I realize this time is mine…

Mine to create, mine to bend, mine to create a beginning and not a means to an end

You were perfect and I am broken

Pieces of porcelain concealing a poet

Remains of love, hope, lust, and trust

Waiting to be rekindled by what I thought was going to be ‘us’

But it was simply the cusp

A point where my hopes met my dreams, reality met serenity and two lines became one

I finally found the realm where I can become

I can choose to crumble where I stand and be a victim of abuse

Or I can rise tall, like ashes that have fallen,

fill the cracks with copper, silver, gold, and ore,

Sing, “at last I finally found that door”

And realize with a crash of the symbols and the choirs from above that finally, yes finally I’ve learned to love

But not just others, no, this is a love seeded with trust

Because I trust life will try to break me down

Beat this broken pottery into colorful shards and leave her to be trampled on the ground

But I also know that these colors, these veins of gold, are more beautiful than that white slate I used to know

That white slate that I finally let go,

Now I see the beauty that can be in the unknown

In life, in love, in trust, in growth

So I guess I’ll never stop

Because I truly love this feeling too much