Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick

Spinning rooms and floating doors

I’m not in Kansas or sleeping - no more

But how to explain - exactly what I am seeing

If I am awake and not safely dreaming

*

The holidays arrived like before, pretty quickly

We are just days away from visits with jolly saint Nicky 🎅

So how is he sitting beside me here on my bed

With visions of unicorns circling my head?

*

He says, he can’t see them - I must be confused

Sleep deprived, tipsy or have a major screw loose

Whatever it is, I think Im losing my mind

He said he will hang around - just to help me to find it

*

I had it this morning - while I was at work

I could have lost it in the car-others were driving like jerks

He’s belly laughing at me - I’m not sure what is so funny

Omg he just turned into an oversized bunny 🐰

*

How the hell did that happen? I only blinked once

Well, maybe I dozed off, boy- I feel like a dunce

I took a few ambien - just before bed

Maybe that could explain it, and this is all in my head

*

I noticed my Santa is missing from off of my lawn

And he arrived out of nowhere sometime after I yawned

But how did he manage to get in the front door - his hands attached to his side?

He said stop asking all those stupid questions, I got a sleigh - come on, let’s ride

*

All the reindeer are here and they’re not tiny at all

And rudolf, that asshole - just took a dump in the hall

I stepped into it barefooted and they all started to laugh

They sound like elves sucking helium - after a bath

*

And they needed one too - they all smelled like old farts

They shifted shapes, so we all fit into the jacuzzi heart- tub

My mom loved that ol’ tub - I thought would be in the way

Oh what the hell - lets all go get into that sleigh

*

We took off with a start, I began quickly to swoon

I felt just like ET flying in front of the moon

It was so big and so bright Santa handed out sunglasses 🕶

Then everything became slow - like winter molasses

*

We traveled all over the world, from Bangkok to Utah

When the reindeer got tired, Santa rented a U-haul

He said not to tell anyone what I had seen

Took my sunglasses off, said it’s was all just a dream 💤

*

He then snapped his fingers- and counted to three

He said, wake up now, you have to go pee

And boy, was he right- I would have peed on myself

But it’s happened before, I blamed the elf on the shelf

*

Those boys must be best buddies, he told me to tell him I’m sorry

Told me his real name wasn’t dick, it was actually, Charlie

I crawled back into bed - my bladder empty and light

Hearing yelling outside, saying, to all a goodnight 🌙