Jack's Happy Cookies

Let me tell you a tale of an evening not that long ago

When Jack Frost came over for a winter’s jaunt

To party with me under the Beaver moon’s glow

And of how he lured me from the house of my Aunt

*

Indeed he had an impish sparkle in his icy-blue eyes

As he pulled out what he called a very special cookie tin

Smiling ever so widely he offered me his festive surprise

With a word of caution, he said, “They’re extremely potent but extra thin”

*

Hesitantly, I took one to taste, instantly amazed at its flavor

My hazel eyes went wide, I was completely addicted

I grabbed a handful, or two so I could savor

What happened next, no one would have ever predicted

*

First, the sweats hit me with a vengeance

Then I was instantly cold even through my jacket

But that’s not what brought my repentance

It was the gas that built up and I couldn’t pass it

*

Finally, it exploded forth in a vengeful cloud

Which brought forth the most noxious fumes

Jack Frost just smiled at me like he was proud

As he waved away the malodorous perfumes

*

Grabbing my hand, Jack tugged and said, “Let’s Go”

As he somersaulted through the flower garden

The moonlight shone upon his silver head as he put on his show

The high kicked in before I could beg his pardon

*

I laughed and clapped my gloved hands, as I watched in wonder

As Jack walked upon Mister Finkle’s wooden privacy fence

Too stoned to warn him, I watch him make his stumbling blunder

Unable to move, I waited for him to reappear, all the while feeling tense

*

I didn’t have long to wait, for with a yowl and a howl, he appeared

Jack clambered over the railing with the speed of light

Chasing him was an epic black housecat which Jack immensely feared

Landing on his feet, he took off running into the night

*

There was no telling how far he would have run if not for the rake left out in the night.

Stepping on the tines, I watched as the handle smacked Jack right in the face

As he fell to his knees, staggered by the pain, my throat went tight

For I saw pouncing close by, my long-haired dog, Ace

*

Ace ran right over Jack, chasing that darn cat, leaving paw prints behind

Knocking Jack into the pile of leaves that I’d raked that afternoon

He’d probably been okay if only one had happened, and not all combined

It all reminded me of a Saturday morning cartoon

*

I don’t know exactly what caused what to happen next

If Jack had an allergy to dogs, cats, leaves, or what

But suddenly, he sneezed a fit like he was hexed

Which forced him to walk backward in a strange little half-strut

*

He sneezed out a wad of snot, a humongous silvery goo

It sprayed all over the bench I was fixing to sit down on

He sneezed some more and covered a dormant flower bed, too

I knew I had to do something, fast, when the poor squirrel was sneezed upon

*

So I moved as quickly as my baked self would move, by Jove

I went inside to retrieve a box of tissues and an antihistamine

When I got back outside, I was already missing the heat of the wood stove

The yard was covered in a frozen, glaze-like webbing similar to that woven by a spider queen

*

Leaving footprints behind, I walked towards Jack through that snot

Grabbing the tissues, he blew his nose extra hard, which was risky

He said he felt a little wobbly and said he might need a cot

But then he took the pills with a shot of whiskey

*

He sneezed a few more times before he grabbed me by the hand again

Squeezing me tight, he said now for the real show

Taking me up a hill, Jack said “Have I got a treat for you” as we came upon a waiting train.

Climbing aboard, he hollered “We’re ready to go”

*

The locomotive took off with amazing speed, down a track I had never seen

The countryside went past surprisingly fast, everything a complete rainbow blur

When we finally came to a stop, I stepped out to a winter wonderland scene

Standing there to greet us, was the big man himself, and all I could say was, “Hello, Sir!!”

*

Santa just laughed, put his arm around our shoulders, and asked how I liked the cookies.

I stared in awe, completely flabbergasted that I was seeing the North Pole myself!

They took me to show off the workshops, and not one of those elves soft rookies!

By the time we arrived at the kitchen, Mrs. Claus was there to offer us cocoa and cookies herself.

*

Knowing how intoxicating the cookies were, I only ate very few

But once again, I made a mistake and drank two cups of the rich sweet brew

I could feel the sweet nectar as it flowed in my veins, through and through

Suddenly, I could hear the reindeer talking, and I just knew I was going off a slew

*

Very few bits and pieces of that night do I remember

After the deer started speaking about taking me to the pub

I must have done something right to become a member

Of the one and only North Pole Cannabis Club