It's Something

There is something about the rain that relaxes me on a stressful day,

Somehow I just let go of everything and I doze off to sleep.

Sometimes I watch its drops roll down my window,

each drop varying,

almost like a race to see who wins.

There is something about when drops hit my face,

they roll down my neck,

and make me sopping wet,

the funny thing is,

I never seem to care.

The rain revitalizes me out of the numbness I feel on a day to day basis,

it gives me emotion.

I love to take off my shoes and feel the wet pavement,

somehow I feel connected to the earth,

the circle of life.

It is something about after it rains,

the sky seems bluer,

the grass seems greener,

everything seems refreshed.

The sun comes out and rainbows appear,

little kids jump in puddles,

and birds chirp,

it makes me smile.

It is something.

When I was in foster care, and even younger than that experience, I remember God awful humid days you'd get in the summer time in Saint Louis, MO. I remember being at my grandparents house, and right after the hottest days on record a massive thunderstorm would plow through quicker than it came. The pavement would be so hot, that the cold water would create a literal mist hanging in the air.

I craved rain on those hot summer days to give relief. This poem is so near and dear to my heart because even though I wrote this over 10 years ago, it brings up old memories, of being in my grandparents house, and running around out side with my bare feet on the ground. My grandpa would be smoking a cigarette at the table, and grandma would be making some kind of lunch. We would get splinters from the porch regularly from not wearing shoes, but it never fully mattered to me. You couldn't convince me of their importance.

I literally hated wearing shoes. In fact, I felt so free not wearing them. I would run around in the woods bare foot and climb trees like the tomboy I was. My parents I remember hated it so much. They would always ask me why I wouldn't wear makeup and wear pink. And I just knew I had a mission of pretend play that didn't involve such superficial things. There was something so grounding about being connected to the outdoors.

We lived on 5 acres of land in a little town called Arnold, MO. I remembered having 2 Labs, and taking a 4 wheeler with my dad at the time and just going on hikes and walks along the property. I remembered seeing different fungi growing on fallen logs, and birds everywhere. It was so peaceful in the fall and winter time. This was the calm before the literal storm that shook up my identity to the core.

I just remember scenes like this in my head of being able to actually be a kid. It was the last time I think I felt like that, before I had to grow up and deal with all the darker things that life lead me down. Some days, I would be dancing at the strip club, and to block out dealing with some of these nasty men, I would isolate my head back to those simpler moments and get lost in my childhood because it was the only time I felt real peace.

It was before my dad's mental health imploded, and my mom began abusing Xanax. It was before the childhood emotional, sexual, and physical abuse. It was before the Southern Baptist Cult, and foster care. It was the last time I had a true sense of who I was and what I liked.

I remember, loving Britney Spears and Lizzie McGuire. My world was simple. Saturday morning cartoons with a bowl of Fruit Loops, riding my bike around the neighborhood and staying out until dark. It was having my childhood friend's and having a sense of identity. It wasn't worrying about being popular or having a ton of things. It was just purely innocence.

Now that I live in Washington State it rains all the time. It rains multiple times a week, and I actually had to buy a rain coat and rain boots. It's wild. I had no idea prior to me moving here you would need multiple types of coats, but in this case you do! My literal form of therapy is now walking my dog in the rain, or going hiking in the woods, because my soul needs healing from this broken world.

Life has not been kind to me, it's just my story unfortunately and I am learning now as an adult to try and discover an identity outside of those moments that seem to haunt me, that I keep at bay. But the rain has definitely become an immediate trigger that helps settle my soul on a level that nothing else seems to be able to do. No medicine, or food, it's literally the rain that can only allow me to feel those emotions that were locked inside of me.

But I think my most fond memory of the rain was with a boy named Jake. I wrote about Jake on Vocal before. However this is a memory that I need to live on past me that I wish to share with you the reader.

Jake was one of the people in my life who has had the most profound impact, more than anyone could ever fathom. He was that person. We met at a time where I just gotten out of the foster care system and I was working at a grocery store. Typical rom com shit. We met in the most normal way ever, and I remember him putting up his groceries on the belt, and he had some Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Cupcake mix. I literally made some comment just to make small talk, about how good those looked. Sure enough he went on his way, but came back in the store 4 hours later with a plate and brought me one.

It was the sweetest and most pure moment. Two people bonding over baked goods. We went our separate ways, but if I was working and he came in that day he would always check out in my line. I found myself wondering on days when I would go in, if I would see him on my line. Sure as hell, he always would. I finally wrote my number on some receipt paper. The anticipation of whether or not he was going to message me was eating me alive.

I remember being in my grandparent's kitchen, and having that moment of shear excitement flooding over me when I finally did get that text. Mind you it's 2012, dating was much simpler then. You exchanged numbers, and people actually semi communicated. We went to a movie, and it was the first time I found myself falling in love with someone. It was my first real in my feelings kind of relationship. After the movie was done, neither of us wanted to leave each other so we hopped in his Jeep Wrangler and road around the streets of Saint Louis, when- you guessed it, it poured down rain. One of the hardest rain storms I had ever experienced.

We literally had the song "Blown Away" from Carrie Underwood pop on and we blared up the radio in an abandoned parking lot, took off our shoes and just became two kids who were both broken in the world playing in the rain. It was magical. I don't know how to describe it other than I had met a literal soulmate in that moment. It was so care free, the touch was real and I felt alive. I felt the rain coming down and before you know it he kissed me. I couldn't think of anything else other than it was him and I against the world.

Eventually life took us on different paths, but there's times even now as an adult and it starts raining, and I think of Jake and this exact scene in my head. Even though it's been literally 10 years ago, and he has even passed away. We remained close friends throughout the years. But the rain sort of helps me now process through trauma as an adult.

Sometimes if it's raining I will literally go outside and just lay on the ground, and get completely soaked. I allow my thoughts to run, not be constrained, and just allow whatever comes to the surface to process emotionally. The rain doesn't allow me to hold up walls. It just breaks them down more on a physical level to realize how much I push back emotionally and deal with. Therapy is great, and I am in it now. I'm apart of out patient groups for creative writing and using platforms like this to help me process through my head space when it does pop up.

This article is part of a series I'm doing here on Vocal, where I go through my old poetry from my high school days, and give you a behind the scenes look at how things have changed since then. So please subscribe if you would like me to continue on with the series, and tips are never expected but if you decide you would like to donate it's much appreciated to my never ending coffee consumption on a daily basis.

-Kayla