I
I fell in love
At zero hour
With the sweat coming off my bottle,
Waiting and waiting, ready to throttle.
I tried to text her again
But my fingers were numb;
I took another swig of Bud Light,
Feeling so dumb.
I swatted away the flies.
II
She walked in, five
Minutes late—per usual—
As, hiding it from her,
I glanced at my watch.
I said—in my mind—
Vodka water, lemon not
Lime, easy ice,
As I noticed
She was easy on the eyes.
Vodka water—she said—
Lemon not lime, easy ice,
As Derek noticed—
In my mind—
She was easy on the eyes.
I put some music on Ami.
If you change your mind,
I’ll be first in line.
Ten minutes in, she was watching chalk
And I was reading poetry.
She took her coat off,
Placed it over the back of my chair,
Said, “You know what, Steve?”
As she was crushing chalk
And I was writing poetry.
III
She caught me—
Once
(Before her sister divorced me)—
Staring at the side of her face,
A love I couldn’t replace,
Our communal acts a disgrace—
My eyes down her blouse suggestive,
My open mind begging forgiveness.
Seeking not receiving understanding.
You’re forgiven only if you believe.
She heaved a sexy sigh
Before she said, “Goodbye. I
Can’t. Why’d you do it, Steve?”
And now I have two sins to confess.
IV
It grows like
Shadows from a time-lapse camera—
Exponentially—
Until it consumes me.
Can’t you see
Can’t you see
Cecilia
You’re shaking my confidence daily
You brought me in.
I made a mess
Of me. I let you reign,
Prepared to make it fresh.
You better lose yourself.
V
What to leave in
what to leave out
VI
A
I remember lick-
ing the blades of the mixer—
filled with the soft white foamy sugar of the
Cake my mother was making
On the day before
I knew we were poor,
The next day fighting the boy
Who said we lived in The Projects.
Cecilia whispers to me
Vodka water lemon no lime
As Derek winks at me
Knowing and not knowing at once
The taste of that
Uncooked frosting
Returning, the sound of my
Grandfather’s gentle laughter resting in my ear.
And now come the lies:
I will tell you the two confessions of my sin:
One is what I left out,
One is what I let in:
Neither one is what I write about.
I swat away the flies.
B
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